Engage AND Inform

October 2011

In a recent poll that asked "What is the single most important question you have about leadership", "How can I improve my communication?" received 34% of the votes.  (The runner-up received 20%.)

So, we've been discussing communication and how to improve our skills in this area. One area where many fall short is in engaging others BEFORE they try to inform. Most meetings start off with the obligatory and brief niceties. Then, they proceed right into the data dump... metrics for this, numbers for that, status for this, issues with that... blah, blah, blah. A whole lot of information... but who really cares?

Telling facts touches MINDS (informs).

Telling purposeful stories touches HEARTS (engages).

The greatest value and motivation comes from touching hearts!

In axiology I often talk about the hierarchy of value.

Value	Dimension	Metaphors
Highest	Intrinsic	Spirit	Heart	People	Be
Mid	Extrinsic	Body	Hands	Products	Do
Lowest	Systemic	Mind	Head	Policy	Have

Often we are so focused on the Mid and Lowest classes of value that we neglect the most valuable one. Many times, in fact, we devalue the highest class of value.

As I speak to audiences of leaders, I talk about the intrinsic, the people part of leadership. They understand that leadership involves people but often they just want the 'people' to be human doings instead of human beings.

I talk about taking the time to get to know the human being. In this newsletter, I'll discuss telling stories and many of you will hear a thought like this in your head: "I don't have time for that."  "They should just do their jobs." "I shouldn't have to motivate them." "They're getting a paycheck."

If human beings were just heads and hands without hearts, those statements above might work for you. As you know, human beings are much more than that.

Read more...

Improving Communication - Part 2

September 2011

Last month we talked about communication and the interference that we often have from our own thoughts and internal dialogue.  We talked about this from the receiver’s point of view. Often times as the receiver of a communication, we aren’t really listening to the speaker or sender.  Our brains actually think faster than most humans can speak. When this happens your brain may try to fill in the void with its own thoughts which distracts you from listening and staying present.  If you remember from last month’s newsletter, we said that while others talk sometimes our minds think a number of things like:

1. “They are wrong.”  “They are stupid.”  “What an idiot.”
2. “I know.”  “I don’t need to keep listening.”
3. “Ooh, ooh, I have something important to say (so I’m interrupting you).”  “If I just say this...”

These types of thoughts keep you from connecting to the sender so you don’t completely hear their message.
But as the sender, you can also have thoughts going through your mind that are keeping YOU from sending the message properly.

1. If you are thinking… “I need to impress them.” or “What if I mess up?” what may happen to your message?
   
   Sometimes you hear thoughts that cause you to pretend or try to impress people. You mind is focusing you on YOU rather than on connecting. Let me ask you a question… are you able to tell when people are trying to impress you or when they aren’t really present? Most people can figure this out pretty easily. When someone is trying to impress you, are you listening to their message? Sometimes we are caught up in wondering why this person isn’t being real. Our mind goes off and starts analyzing why the person is behaving this way. When that happens, you aren’t hearing the message.  In order to make sure you are sending the message properly, you must be real and you must be present. You must focus on the receiver, not you - the sender.

Read more...

Improving Communication

August 2011

Last month I asked a question on LinkedIn: “What's the single most important question you have about increasing your leadership?”  I proposed a few answers and asked you to pick what you thought was most important. http://polls.linkedin.com/vote/141129/zakcq

The results are in and out of 211 responses, here are the results:

(Click the image to view larger online.)

As you can see communication seems to be a big concern for leaders so I’d like to talk about it in this newsletter edition.

What gets in the way of your communication? Do you believe that it is lack of skills and tools of the folks in the conversation? Could it be that people just don’t listen? Is it that most people are just opinionated and selfish? Is it that everyone has their own agenda and goals? What gets in the way?

Let’s start with what communication is. Well, the dictionary says that it means to give or impart thoughts, feelings and information. It comes from the root word of ‘common’. It originally meant to share. However, I think a lot of times, when we say communicate we want it to mean to “make people listen to and hear us”.  What many fail to realize is that before we can share or give or impart, there must be a willing receiver… a connection.

Many people skip the very first step of communication which is a connection between the parties. Think about the telephone…

Read more...

Let's Change Things Up

July 2011

For this month’s newsletter, I thought I’d change it up a little… and talk about, well, changing it up a little.  I’m a big proponent of change - specifically change that produces growth and adds value. However, the human brain likes patterns and repetition. It takes less energy to follow a habit than it does to change things up a little.

So, here are a few thoughts on changing it up a bit that may help get you started.

#1 STOP asking people “How are you?”  Oh, but you may ask, “Traci, you’re always telling us to care about people. How can you say that?” My thought is that if you really cared about people, you’d ask them a different question… one that shows you are actually thinking about THEM! “How are you?” is a no-brainer and doesn’t involve thinking about or caring about people. It’s a rote question that you can throw out often anywhere to anyone.

#2 Switch things up a bit. Ask unusual, unique questions! As Og Mandino says in his book “The Greatest Salesman in the World”:

Since the beginning of time never has there been another with my mind my heart my eyes, my ears, my hands, my hair, my mouth. None that came before, none that live today, and none that come tomorrow can walk and talk and move and think exactly like me. All men are my brothers yet I am different from each. I am a unique creature.

Read more...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

June 2011

Seems like a simple question, right? Millions of graduates are being asked that question during this graduation season. (Most of them by their parents who want to be sure that they're moving out of the house and paying their own bills. :)  )

I speak to thousands of "grown-up" people every year and many of them don't know what they want to be when they grow up.  Do you find it odd that we expect a 17 or 18 year old to know the answer as they graduate from high school?

The belief or expectation that this is a simple question to answer can often get in the way of actually answering it. It’s not a simple question!

As I think about the question from my past (What did I want to be when I grew up?) I realize that I'd have to ask my parents and friends from back then because I really don't remember.  I know in high school I wanted to coach sports. But then again, I thought I was pretty smart so maybe I should go pre-med in college. That made a lot of sense because those 2 professions are so similar... not!  One difference that became abundantly clear to me is that as a college basketball coach I would get to pick my players and work with people I had hand-selected ...  as a doctor, I wouldn't get to pick my patients.  I also remember from before high school that one thing I was NEVER going to be was a public speaker. I turned down the nomination to be the President of the National Honor Society and instead became Vice President because as the President, I would have been required to give a speech. Horrifying!!

Part of the problem with answering this question is the question itself. The "what" and the "be" don't match up! The "what" is extrinsic... a thing, tangible, measurable.  The "be" is intrinsic... immeasurable, ever-changing, ever-growing.

We really should be asking:

1. What do you want to do?  AND
2. Who do you want to become?

These questions are more easily answered.

So, WHAT do you want to DO? Do you want to do something technical, something creative, something inspirational, something meaningful? What would that look like in your life? “I like to work with my hands.”  “I like to work with people.”  “I like to do accounting.”

Now, I believe the more important questions are... WHO do you want to BE? or Who do you want to become?  I've heard some people say "I want to become a multi-millionaire."  "I want to become a teacher."  "I want to become a CEO."

If these are in line with your thoughts, will you allow me to share another perspective with you?

Read more...

Activate a Better Brain

Leading & Motivating

May 2011

Motivation is the desire to do. It is an interest or drive to stimulate action.

Homer Rice once said, "You can motivate by fear. And you can motivate by reward. But both of these methods are only temporary. The only lasting thing is self-motivation."

As a leader, what is your most common form of motivation? Do you use fear? The fear method usually relies on the rules. Do you use the carrot principle? Do you dangle rewards out in front of others and hope that they'll bite?

There are many tips and techniques out there to enhance these types of motivational styles... or as those being 'motivated' tend to refer to them... manipulation styles.

As I've mentioned previously, Daniel Pink authored a book last year called "Drive - The Surprising Truth about What Motivates Us". He discusses different types of motivation that align perfectly with the 3 classes of axiological value that I often discuss.  Those classes of value are, in order of their objective value:

Intrinsic	Highest in value	infinite
Extrinsic	Mid range of value	finite
Systemic	Lowest in value	binary

Mr. Pink discusses what he calls "Motivation 1.0". This is the old command and control.  This type of motivation is old school... So old school that it was around before there were schools. Under Motivation 1.0 (systemic motivation), mankind was trying to survive. Systemic deals with either/or... either you survived or you didn't. The leaders were those who survived. They were the strongest and used their power to command and order the others to work together to survive.

As we formed more complex societies and evolved, so did our motivation. We now needed to cooperate with one another to get the things we needed. At the core of this new and improved form of motivation was a revised and more accurate assumption: "Humans are more than the sum of our biological urges.  Now the first drive to survive still exists, but it didn't fully account for who we were." We knew how to survive and it didn't consume all of our time. We now wanted more (extrinsic stuff) than just survival.

Motivation 2.0 (extrinsic motivation) was born. 

Read more...

Train Your Brain

Dealing with Conflict

April 2011

Why does conflict happen? There are many reasons, but I want to point out the neurological reason. In the past, you've heard me talk about the amygdala. It is the part of the brain that is wired to instantaneously recognize errors and threats. So, when conversations turn from the expected to the unexpected, our biological response is one of flying fists or fleet feet when what is really needed is gentle attentiveness and intelligent persuasion.

When the amygdala is hijacked by an apparent threat, adrenaline is pumped into your blood stream. Your brain diverts blood from activities that are deemed non-essential to the high-priority task of protecting yourself (like hitting or running). The large muscles in your arms, back and legs get more blood and your brain gets less!! As a result, you are facing your conflict with the same cognitive resources as a prehistoric primate. Is it any wonder that we struggle in this area?

What can you do when this happens?  One thing you can do is recognize that the apparent threat isn't an imminent danger to your physical well-being. It's just a SPAN (something perceived as negative.)

Many people waste a lot of time and energy trying to change and control everything around them. Our society's abundance of technology and wealth creates the illusion that we can control just about everything. Many discover that this control is an illusion and become overwhelmed by the unpredictability of events. This is seen as a SPAN and a threat. Some falsely assume that because they can't control the world around them that they can't control their own lives. They get the "whatever" attitude. Others fight on and on trying to grab the illusion of control. In any case, the amygdala will recognize this as a threat.

Try to remember that you are in control of your responses. Sure, you might not be able to control your physiological reactions, but you can recognize them as just a biological reaction to an illusion. It's simply a SPAN, a gap. It's a gap between your expectation and reality. It can be a SPAN between your perception and someone else's perception. In any case, it's not really a threat! Your brain has mis-perceived the situation.  (Note: If you are feeling threatened during a conflict, there is probably at least one other person feeling threatened as well: the person on the other side of the SPAN.)

So, what can you do about it? How can you deal with this conflict?

1. Realize that if your amygdala is hijacked, someone else's may also be hijacked. Give them the benefit of the doubt! They are NOT your enemy. They, in fact, are another infinitely valuable human being just like you.
2. Ask, don't assume! What you think you understand about what someone says, how someone looks at you, what someone means by what they do, etc., may often not reflect reality at all, and more often than not lead you down a path that contains more mistrust and relationship-destroying behaviors.

Read more...

Maximizing Your Leadership

Maximizing Your Leadership

March 2011

Today we'll be talking about leadership again. I hope that is a topic that you don't mind learning more about. If you are interested in other topics as well... at the end of this newsletter is a link to a SHORT survey that will help me serve you better with upcoming newsletters. I hope you'll take a few minutes to complete it.

Now, let's get back to leadership...

Leaders (real leaders) have been studied for hundreds of years. Researchers have studied attributes, characteristics, attitudes, behaviors, personalities, intelligence, and values. What have we learned? That every leader is unique and that the truly great leaders aren’t afraid of being unique.  We’ve also learned that while personality traits, attitudes, behavior and intelligence patterns have been identified; the key to great leadership can’t be defined by these things only.

The key to great leadership is in your thinking, your mindset, your valuing habits and most importantly - how you apply these things.

Great leaders are maximizers and multipliers. Their thinking and valuing habits reflect their perspective – not only on the job but how they live their lives.

“Managers”, while trying to maximize and multiply, often have mindsets that may actually result in diminishing or minimizing.  This doesn’t happen intentionally but is usually a learned behavior or habit.

NOTE:  When I say “manager”, my intention is whose focus is on the tasks and getting the work done.  This isn’t your title but rather your role.  This isn’t who you are, but rather what you do. When I talk about a “leader”, this person is focused on leading the people who are doing the work.  My hope is that you have both manager and leader characteristics, but that you learn to focus more on the leadership side.

Let me give you some examples of what I mean here.

1. Maximizers do more asking.
   Minimizers do more telling. 
   Great leaders believe in the people they are working with. Maximizers see intelligence as continually growing and developing within their team. They assume people are smart and can and will figure things out. They see their organization as full of talented people who are capable of contributing at much higher levels. Diminishers see intelligence as something basic about a person that can’t change much. When this is the case, the Diminisher believes that they have to tell their team what to do and how to do it. Do you find yourself doing more asking or telling in your leadership roles?
   
   

Read more...

Success and Failure

February 2011

To continue to help you be a better leader I wanted to focus on your mindset this month. There are so many myths out there as well as stories and depictions that don't really add value or help you create success in your life or your leadership.

For example, many success gurus purport a 1953 Yale Study that proved that the 3% of graduates who wrote down their goals accounted for 97% of the class' wealth. Have you ever heard of this study? Truth is: It never happened.

How about the story that your mom told you: if you swallow your gum it will take 7 years to digest? Nope. That's not true either. (And if you ever swallowed any of that fluorescent Gator Gum, you already knew that.)

The Road to Success

How about this depiction?

It's also a myth!

It looks like the road to success goes in one direction and the road to failure goes in the opposite direction. This can create what we call the "sucker's choice". Either you have to choose success OR you have to choose failure. The sucker's choice is rarely the correct perspective.

It's another one of those myths which won't add value to your life. It is simply not the truth and will probably take away value from your life. If you continue to believe this IS the road sign of life, you can unintentionally create a sabotaging mental habit or mindset that keeps you from your success, your goals, and your dreams.

The road to success is paved with failures. Failure is the price that you pay for your success. If you spend your time trying to avoid failure, you will get what you pay for. You will probably be standing still or going in the same vicious circle you've been going in for years.

The course you take to success WILL have failure stops along the way. The real question for you is: how effectively do you manage those failures?

Read more...

Your Virtuous Cycle

Happy New Year!! I hope you enjoyed a break over the holiday season. I know that I did.

As I thought about the newsletters for the upcoming year and thought about you, I concluded that helping you take your leadership abilities to the next level might add a great deal of value to your life both personally and professionally.

As we start the New Year, many people reflect upon the past. Some realize that the last year may have been much like Bill Murray experienced in the movie "Groundhog Day". Many folks realize that there hasn't been much difference from one year to the next.

Well, if this is you, I'd like to help you change all that. Ok, even if it isn't you, I know that you will find value from this.

In Jim Collins' book, Good to Great (c) 2001, he talks about the difference between Level 5 leaders who create great companies and teams and Level 4 leaders who create good companies and teams. Mr. Collins lists a number of traits but when you look at it, I believe it boils down to:

• Level 4 leaders focus on the what and how (extrinsic)
• Level 5 leaders focus on the why and who (intrinsic)

In Daniel Pink's book, Drive, he talks about using extrinsic rewards for motivation and why the carrot and stick approach no longer works. Oh, sure it did work in the industrial age when workers were needed primarily for their hands and feet. However, in the information age, workers are needed for their brains and minds. Brains and minds aren't only fed with extrinsic rewards. Mr. Pink give us the M.A.P. for intrinsic motivation: mastery, autonomy and purpose.

In the book, Multipliers, Liz Wiseman and Greg Mckeown discuss how the best leaders are able to make everyone around them smarter by intrinsically valuing the people they lead.

Over the last 5 years, my coaching practice has focused exclusively on teaching leaders these "latest discoveries" and taken many clients to the next level of leadership in their businesses, careers, and also their personal lives.

Read more... 

 

'Tis the Season

Happy Holidays!!

It’s the holiday season and I am reminded of my childhood living near Pittsburgh, PA (Go Steelers!!) where this time of year meant snow. Snow… the very word conjures up pictures from the greeting cards and commercials. There’s nothing like the pure driven snow. It looks so beautiful evenly placed over the ground... covering up the bumpy imperfections of the earth beneath it. Pure white flakes delicately balanced 1 or 2 inches high on each individual tree branch. It’s so majestic.

What we sometimes forget from the perspective of these images is that it’s FREEZING out there! If we want to go outside, we have to spend 20 minutes putting on 6 layers of clothes and big boots to look like the Michelin man as we try to make our way to the car. Getting to the car is just the beginning of the battle. Then you have to try to open the door that Mother Nature has so kindly iced shut in the frigid wind. Once you make your way in, you start up the car because it’ll take a few minutes before it’s ready to go. Then, you step back out into the frozen tundra with your handy-dandy piece of plastic (otherwise known as your ice scraper). Sometimes the snow is so deep that you have to remove some of it with your arm, but then the scraping begins. You debate, as your toes, nose and fingers start to become numb whether or not you’ll just scrape the driver’s side or the whole windshield. You clear one square foot in front of the driver before your plastic scraper freezes and disintegrates. So you take off your gloves, reach into your wallet for the credit card that you use the least, and try to make the area bigger before returning to the less freezing environment of your car.

Oh, the beauty and majesty of the season!

I tell you this story because the illusions of Christmas and the holidays can be just as stressful as freeing your car of the “beautiful, splendid snow”.

Hallmark and other institutions have forever painted our holiday season with joy and happiness and gifts. We’re all getting that Lexus with a big red bow this year, right? The family will get together and all sit around the 12 person dinner table flawlessly decorated with placemats and red and green napkins.The patriarch of the family is standing at the head of the table carving the turkey or ham. The matriarch is passing around the perfectly prepared side dishes… mashed potatoes with un-lumpy gravy, green bean casserole with the crunchy onions on top, and homemade cheese raviolis (my mom’s Italian, ya know). They’ll all hold hands and sway as they sing grace just like the Whos in Whoville. Then they will tuck in their napkins and politely converse over the holiday meal. Oh, the joy and happiness!

Read more... 

 

Giving Thanks TO Others

Well, in the US it's that time of the year that we all get together and give thanks. Thanksgiving was originally a time to come together and celebrate the harvest... to give thanks to the earth for her bounty. It has definitely evolved over the years into a time for family and friends to come together and eat turkey, watch football, and plan holiday shopping. Ok, sometimes we give thanks too, but mostly we stuff our pie holes.

 
Giving Thanks TO as well as FOR

Many times Thanksgiving is spent giving thanks FOR the things that we have. This is a terrific tradition. But this year, I'm hoping to encourage you to expand it a little bit. This year in addition to giving thanks for your things (extrinsic, tangible, measurable stuff), I propose that you take a few minutes to think about the intrinsic, infinitely valuable gifts that you have received... that others have brought to your life.

Let's give thanks TO the people as well as FOR the things.

Gratitude

When I think of the times that I feel most fulfilled, it doesn't involve doing or getting "things". It usually involves the joy that another human being has shared with me.

Read more...

Celebrating Your Way to Success

Can you believe it?!? This is the 50^th edition of my monthly newsletter! Whether you have been around since the beginning or this is your very first edition... THANK YOU!! I sincerely appreciate your time and I hope that I can continue to add value to your life.

As I was thinking about what to write this month, I thought about celebrating this milestone. Then, I thought about the habit of celebrating in general. Have you developed this habit?

Celebration and Joy

Have you ever watched children playing? Whether it's through competitive sports or just individually imagining and experimenting, it's really amazing to see the world through the eyes of a child. They celebrate the little things.

Just this past week I was able to witness a little girl in the airport pulling her Dora The Explorer roller bag to the gate. She arrived and said to her mom, "Mom, I did it!! I carried my bag the WHOLE way!" I also watched two little boys playing with a new truck. As one of the boys made the truck's siren go off, the other one said, "You did it!! You did it!!" My favorite occurred in San Francisco's airport where I witnessed a little girl about 3 years old come running out of the restroom releasing her mom's hand and sprinting up to her dad in his nice suit and tie yelling, "Daddy, Daddy!! I pooped! " Oh, the joys of a nice bowel movement!

As kids, we celebrate any and almost every accomplishment. Then at some point in our lives, when we become "big" girls and boys and it's no longer "cool" to celebrate our successes we stop. Why is that? Why do we start to call those people that celebrate "big headed" or "self-centered" or "show offs" or "immature"? Why does celebrating take on a negative connotation?

Does another person's success somehow diminish our own? Is there a limited quantity of celebration in the world? Does their celebration somehow mean you don't get your piece of the celebration pie?

Have you ever wondered why "excessive celebration" is a penalty in the NFL and NCAA Football but you can rip off your shirt, slide across the field, and have your team pile up on you for scoring a goal in soccer? Why does it matter if they are "showing off"?

Celebration and Your Brain

Celebration is great for your brain.

Celebration has also been shown to lead to increased trust, communication, and risk-taking. Celebrating creates a atmosphere of optimism and hope. It focuses the brain on creating instead of avoiding.

Celebration releases chemicals called neurotransmitters at the synapses in your brain and these intensify motivation to act for more solutions and celebrations.

Read more...

Understanding Cans & Wills

Have you ever noticed the frustration that is caused by confusing 'cans' and 'wills'? Some people assume that because a person 'can' do something they 'will' do something... like kids can clean their rooms, so they will clean their rooms; a colleague can help you, but won't; someone says they will do a task but then can't. Do you notice any stress in your life from this phenomenon?

Cans and Wills

So what is a 'can' and what is a 'will'? Just to be sure we're on the same page...

Can means that a person has the ability, power, or skill or has the means and qualifications to perform.

Will means that a person has a wish or desire to perform, or they'd like to, may decide to, or attempt to perform.

There's a BIG difference between the two. There is also a lot of frustration around cans and wills when we aren't on the same page.

Misalignment

In my last newsletter, I talked about the brain's natural instinct for detecting errors. When those errors are recognized, the brain shuts down its cognitive area and goes into reactive mode. This is where emotions and physiological responses take over to 'protect' you from the error.

One tiny problem... the brain will detect an 'error' when its expectation is different from what occurs in reality. You will feel it when your expectations aren't met. Think about how you feel when you don't expect a car to pull out in front of you and it does... or when you expected your kids to clean their room and they didn't... or you expected a team member to complete a task and it isn't done. All of these 'errors' can cause you to react in a negative (and sometimes 'thought-less' manner) because your autonomic self-protection system has been triggered. Your brain shuts down cognitive function and sends that energy to your muscles and other organs to quickly respond to the perceived error or threat.

One problem... in reaction/error mode, the brain doesn't know is that this really isn't a threat to your physical well-being.

So, what kind of strife arises in your life when the cans and wills aren't aligned?

Let's look at some statements that you may have heard by well-meaning people that can cause this misalignment. Have you ever heard this one?

"You can do anything you want to do in life." While meant to be motivational, it's a lie. No where on the planet is there a place where you can do whatever you want to do in life. There are always consequences and choices that have to be made within certain physical or mental parameters. Now, you are free try to do anything, but you may not have the talents or skills to accomplish what you'd like to accomplish.

When the can isn't aligned with the will, there will be frustration, discontentment, dissatisfaction and little enthusiasm.

When the will isn't aligned with the can, there will be defeat, discouragement, and even resentment.

Have you felt this in your life?

Read more...

What's RIGHT with You?!?

What's WRONG RIGHT with You?!?

"Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours." - Swedish Proverb

I love that quote above because it has one of my all-time favorite words in it 5 times. That word is "more". I love that word because it's neverending. You can always have and be "more". More today than yesterday, and more tomorrow than today.

So, how does that play into "What's RIGHT with You" - the title of this newsletter. Well, in life, we seem to find more of what we look for. You can seek more joy and find it. Or you can choose the mindset of seeking more pain and find it as well.

What is your focus?

So many people have been trained most of their lives to look for risks (i.e. what can go wrong). Starting in elementary school, we're taught to solve problems. That's what homework is all about... read this and solve the problems.

When are we going to learn that the greatest success comes from seeking opportunities not finding and identifying problems and challenges? When are learning institutions going to give their students exercises on finding opportunities?

Opportunity vs. Risk

Our brains are trained from a young age to look at what's wrong. Our self-worth is sometimes defined by how many problems that we can fix or avoid. Many people think that the brain 'naturally' functions that way. I believe that it has been coached and trained to think that way. Sure, the brain has a natural instinct for recognizing errors, but the mind can choose what to focus on.

From entrepreneurs to project managers to sales people... you are taught to find the pain, the problem... to look for what's wrong and come up with a solution. It sounds logical and it is helpful (please don't misunderstand my point.)

Let's look at the people that have "made it", who are highly successful and wealthy. Since I have an Information Technology background, let's look at Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. These are two highly successful gentlemen. They have changed the lives of millions and millions of people. Did they do it by looking for problems? Or, did they do it by looking for opportunities?

Read more...

Breaking Free - The Power of Nice

"You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last month I gave a keynote address at the PMI Houston Conference & Expo. Kathy Ridley, the current chapter president, asked me to do a special presentation on the Power of Nice. We received terrific reviews so I thought I'd share the neuroscience and axiology of the Power of Nice with you.

What is NICE?

The word 'nice' is used in a variety of ways. I hear it most often as people say "Have a nice day." What exactly does that mean? Nice has so many different meanings.

For instance, 'nice' can mean pleasing, delightful, pleasant and kind. It can also mean minute, fine or subtle as in "a nice distinction". It can also mean accurate, precision or skillful as in "nice shot" or "nice workmanship". (I'm pretty sure people aren't saying "Have a subtle day." or "Have an accurate day.")

Oh, but nice can also mean virtuous, respectable or proper as in "She's a nice girl." Then you can also put the word "too" in front of nice so that it means something negative. "She's too nice." which usually equals doormat.

So, we're going to go with the first definition of nice meaning pleasant and delightful... something that brings joy and satisfaction.

This is your brain

The conscious brain gets all the attention. You know the part that is aware and thinks and plans. We spend a lot of time, energy and money developing the conscious part of our brain. However, it is a slave to all of the other parts that lie "beneath" it. Every feeling is a summary of data that comes from our subconscious/autonomic brain. Our feelings are visceral responses to all the information that your brain contains that can't be directly accessed by your conscious brain.

An Open-Loop Limbic System

In Daniel Goleman's book, Primal Leadership (2002, HBS Press), he discusses the design of the human brain: what scientists have begun to call the open-loop nature of our emotional centers (limbic system).

Read more...

Breaking Free - The Contemptuous Eyeroll

The Contemptuous Eye Roll

This is an encore newsletter from a couple of years ago that I wanted to send out again because I've noticed a lot of contemptuous eye rolls lately... especially in American politics and current events.

We've been talking about expectations and perfection in the last few newsletters and that can often lead to devaluing of the human being (because our mind is overvaluing the idea or expectation).

The green text, like this text, is new information that I've added to the previous edition.

What I'd like to draw your attention to in this issue is how you can recognize when you are devaluing others. If you can learn to recognize a key component to this transposition of value, you will be one step closer to being able to bring positive value to those around you.

In my coaching practice, the key goal is to basically shorten and eventually eliminate the time between when you recognize you've messed up and when you actually messed up. If you, at this Pivotal Moment, can choose a different response, YOU will be able to be on your true path to success. If you don't choose to respond differently and ignore a sabotaging thought, you will greatly hinder your success.

Let's learn about a commonly overlooked (devaluing) expression...

World Famous Face Reader

Have you ever heard of Paul Ekman? Dr. Paul Ekman is a professor of psychology who has become the world's most famous face reader. The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and state and local police forces have turned to Dr. Ekman for help learning to read subtle emotional cues from the faces, voices and body language of potential assassins, terrorists and questionable visa applicants. The detailed knowledge of facial expression has earned Dr. Ekman a supporting role in the movie industry, where he has consulted with animators from Pixar and Industrial Light & Magic to give lifelike expressions to cartoon characters.

Dr. Ekman's work is also featured on the Fox show "Lie to me*". You can watch full episodes by going to http://www.fox.com/watch/lietome.

Dr. Ekman's expertise is very unique and can be very helpful when understanding when you are de-valuing others. For instance, Dr. Ekman is able to accurately predict whether a couple will divorce in the next 4 years simply by watching (not even hearing) a couple's conversation. He doesn't even need to see the whole conversation... he only needs to see 3-4 minutes to make his prediction.

He is right 94% of the time!!

How does he do it?

Read more...

Breaking Free - The Perfection Prison

The Perfection Prison

Last month I wrote about Overcoming Indecision. If you've read it, you've learned how to watch out for the traps and some keys to making good decisions. As I asked others what gets in the way of them actually making decisions, one of the overwhelming responses is fear. As I probed a little deeper, I found out that the fear is often caused by perfection.

Many people overvalue the idea of perfection which causes them to devalue reality. The idea ends up having more value in their minds than actually creating and engaging in life. Instead of improving life, perfection creates a prison.

The Perfection Prison

So what does this perfection prison look like? Well, it only exists in your mind and it can be a major obstacle to your joy and happiness. The retaining bars of your prison are NOT real - they only appear real in your imagination. The bars of your prison may be created by:

• Rejecting Failure = refusing to recognize a positive side to failure. For you perfectionists, your initial reaction to that last statement may be disbelief. What good can come of failure? Well, according to neuroscientists a great deal of good can come from failure because our mind is really good at detecting 'errors'. That is how it creates new thoughts and neuropathways. You need failures to help your brain succeed.
• Rejecting Success = refusing to "lower" your standards of perfection. The pursuit of perfection requires high standards and yet as the perfectionist approaches a high standard they immediately reset to even higher standards thus never celebrating success (which is also good for the brain.)
• Rejecting Painful Emotions = Pain equals not perfect in the mind of the perfectionist. Happiness is the perfectionist's goal and negative emotions fall short of that goal so these are avoided at all costs.
• Rejecting Positive Emotions = by consistently and constantly setting goals that will never be reached, the perfectionist, by default, has little to celebrate. Realistically, when will your performance be perfect? Can't you always find something to improve? So, when will perfection be reached? Never.
• Rejecting the full experience of life = Life is flawed in the perfectionists mind. Perfection locks you into one specific outcome. The perfectionist spends much time living in their imagination and their "what if" world, missing out on the experience and journey of life.

All of this leads to fear (Fully Engaged in Avoiding Reality).

Read more...