Increasing The Power of Your Influence

You are an influencer - a leader. So let's talk about the neuro-axiology of sales - yes, sales. For those of you in business development, you'll find value in this article. For those of you who believe that you aren't in sales - LISTEN UP! Selling is a part of everyone's life.

The word "sell" comes from the Old English word "sellan" which means "to give". Yes, "give", not take or win. Selling is giving and (whether you are in a sales role or not) giving IS a part of your life.

Win/Win or Win/Not Lose?

Your brain naturally and consistently tries to add value. Every choice you make is a choice that your brain believes adds more value than your unchosen options.

As an influencer, leader, or sales person, your job is to help your client, customer, or follower make the best decision for THEM. You want a true win/win solution - which means the solution adds value to your life AND to theirs. Many times we see folks who try to manipulate the situation (you may even be guilty of this at times). When your mind is self-focused, it only cares to add value to your life. So, win/lose is acceptable, but in the long run does NOT add the most value. So, if you can't get a win/win maybe a win/not lose is acceptable. That means you win and the client or team member doesn't lose (but doesn't win either.) That ISN'T selling, giving, or influencing. That is manipulating, taking and DEVALUING!

We've all seen sporting events where teams decide to play 'not to lose' instead of playing to win. My beloved Steelers call it their 'prevent defense' - which usually prevents them from winning. But I digress... If both or all parties are not winning, then both or all parties will ultimately LOSE.

Many times you have a terrific solution for your client or team member yet they don't see the value. As an influencer, it is your role to help them do that. Understanding how the brain makes value-based decisions is what neuro-axiology is all about. When you understand neuro-axiology, even just a little bit, you'll be a better leader and influencer.

To learn more about the brain and your power to influence, click here.

Optical Delusions

Often, you hear statements that you perceive are unbelievable. You may even respond by saying, "Are you kidding me?!?" Today, I'd like you to focus on a similar question...

"Are you kidding YOU?!?"

Your perception is your reality. But, what if your perception doesn't accurately reflect the current moment? In order to bring intrinsic value to any moment, project, relationship, etc., you need to be aligned with the present reality.

What are optical delusions?

Well, I think you know what an optical illusion is, right? It's something that appears one way, but is actually another. Like the image to the right... it looks like the bottom line is longer than the top, yet if you measure them, they are exactly the same length.

In the picture to the left, how many triangles do you see? Most people will say 2 or 6 or 8. How many are there? ZERO! Your brain, however, has been trained to recognize patterns so it 'helps' you and somehow interprets the notches in the circles and the "V" shapes as triangles.

The word 'optical' refers to sight or vision. The word 'illusion' means something that deceives; a false impression or idea. However, the word 'delusion' refers to a persistent false belief.

You should recognize in the picture to the left that there are no triangles present. Even if you once believed the illusions that there were triangles, you should now be able to take a closer look and see that there are none. If you still held on to your belief, this would indicate a 'delusion'.

To read the rest of this article, click here.

Roles are Holes

Role playing is hard work. Have you ever noticed that?

Take a moment to observe how you interact with other people. You may detect changes in your attitude, behavior, and speech depending on who you are interacting with. When you talk to a child, or when you talk to a server in a restaurant, do you speak differently? How about when you talk to your boss or when you talk to the janitor? When you walk into a store or the post office or the department of motor vehicles you may act differently than when you walk into your home or attend your kid's ballgame.

Why is that? Well, simple... you are playing roles. You are becoming the person you think you should be in that situation. Your mind has developed an idea about how you should behave in the situation. In that case, you are NOT being yourself.

Playing Your Roles

So, you might have just had the thought, "of course I act differently in different situations". You can't act like a teacher when you are a customer in the store. You can't act like you're the owner of the business when you're just an employee. You can't act like a project manager when you're the CEO. You can't act like a child when you're the parent. Of course we act differently in different situations.

Really? Why is that? Think about it. In each of these instances, why can't you just be you? Why do you have to 'act' at all? Where do these expectations come from? (The Good Fairy or the Dark Fairy? - to repeat a phrase we discussed in a previous newsletter.)

Many times you completely forget about your intrinsic nature, your being, because you are so focused on your extrinsic nature. How often do you see yourself as a 'human doing'? You have this image or concept that your mind has created (or accepted) about how you should act in each specific situation in your life.

If you live in America or another free country, you should appreciate the freedom that you have to choose. You no longer live within a "class system". In civilizations where liberty is not a birthright, certain functions are allotted to certain people. You are a 'born' ruler, priest, warrior, farmer, craftsman, laborer, merchant, and so on. In a free country, your function in this world, which would have been a matter of your birth, does not have to be your role.

Your Role Holes

Today social structures are less rigid and less clearly defined. Yet, you still create these roles in your own mind and firmly place yourself into them. What do these roles look like? Your roles can fall into a number of categories:

• Functions: As we've discussed, the role you choose can be based on the functions you fulfill. You can be a parent, a child, a sibling, a leader, a follower, etc.
• Beliefs & Values: The role you choose can be based on your beliefs... your religion, your political affiliations, the causes you support. You may be a Christian, Hindu, Muslim, etc. Or a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent. Or an animal rights activist, MADD member, 'green' supporter.
• Emotional: Happiness and "Just Fine", are roles that you may play. You hide behind a smiling, positive façade, while truly you feel discouraged, frustrated, or disappointed.
• Circumstances: You can find yourself playing the hero or the villain... the lover or the fighter... the victor or the victim.

In all of these instances, you are defining yourself through a role... putting yourself in a hole that limits your 'being'. Your "role hole" is the pit that limits your intrinsic (infinite) nature.

Click here to read more...

Intrinsic Faith vs. Intrinsic Fear

Thanks to those of you who have sent comments and compliments on my last two newsletters. Those fantasy fairies and contemptuous eye rolls seem to be prevalent amongst you. I hope you're staying on the lookout for them.

This month I'd like to talk to you about the properties and characteristics of success. As Og Mandino writes, "Which two, among a thousand wise men, will define success in the same words; yet failure is always described but one way. Failure is man's inability to reach his goals in life, whatever they may be. In truth, the only difference between those who have failed and those who have succeeded lies in the difference of their habits. Good habits are the key to all success. Bad habits are the unlocked door to failure. Thus, the first law I will obey, which preceedeth all others is - I will form good habits and become their slaves."

Yes, "good habits are the key to all success." So, what good habits have you purposefully and consciously acquired lately?

Intrinsic Fears

In my studies of Dr. Robert Hartman's works in axiology, I came across his "twenty properties of the self test" and I want to share these with you. He labeled these qualities 'intrinsic faith" and "intrinsic fear". The qualities of "Intrinsic Faith" positively enrich our lives while those of "Intrinsic Fear" diminish us.

Let's take a look at his intrinsic fears. While we do this, I have purposefully not put them in a list format but rather added them throughout the text so that your brain won't skim through it. I want to encourage you to think about each property or characteristic. Yes, it would've been much easier to simply copy and paste his list, but please take the time to read through these. Consider these questions as you read through this list...

• Are you making excuses for your behaviors that match the intrinsic fears?
• Are your thoughts telling you that you don't 'fear' anything?
• Do one or more of these words stand out as thoughts/behaviors that you have frequently?

1Defiance and Spitefulness top Hartman's list. Do you ever feel 2Aggressive or Defensive? Has anyone ever told you that you are overly 3Competitive? Do you exhibit 4Restrictiveness or Narrowness? How about 5Cynicism which is a distrust of the integrity or intentions of others? Do you ever feel 6Sanctimoniousness or Holier-than-thou? How about 7Greed or 8Vanity? Are you 9Easily Hurt or Touchy at times? Even though you don't like to admit it, do you ever feel 10Cowardice in the face of danger, difficulty, opposition or pain? At times are you 11Vengeful and vindictive or 12Heavy Handed? Hartman also lists 13Complicated / Lack of Common Sense as an intrinsic fear. Do you ever have a sense of 14Irrelevance / No Sense of Proportion? How about 15Irrationality, 16Systemic-ness or Rigidity? Do you ever feel 17Tense or Frantic? Do you act with 18Inconsistency, Hesitation or Impatience? Do you sometimes feel 19Non-aware, Dull or Cold? Do you ever suffer from 20Indifference or that "Whatever (insert eye roll here) attitude"?

It's a Small, Small World

Here is an abridged version of Hartman's description of Intrinsic Fear... {Click here for the rest of the newsletter.}

The Contemptuous Eye Roll

So far this year I have been talking about intrinsic valuation. That is, how we can value others intrinsically by holding them in esteem, admiring them for who they are (not simply for what they do), treasuring and cherishing them as a unique, irreplaceable human beings.

What I'd like to draw your attention to in this issue is how we can recognize when we are doing just the opposite... when we are devaluing others. If you can learn to recognize a key component to this transposition of value, you will be one step closer to being able to bring truly positive value to those around you.

In my coaching practice, the key goal is to basically shorten and eventually eliminate the time between when you recognize you messed up and when you actually messed up. If you, at this Pivotal Moment, can choose a different response, YOU will be able to be on your true path to success. If you don't choose to respond differently and ignore a sabotaging thought, you will greatly hinder your success.

Let's learn about a commonly overlooked (devaluing) expression...

World Famous Face Reader

Have you ever heard of Paul Ekman? Dr. Paul Ekman is a professor of psychology who has become the world's most famous face reader. The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and state and local police forces have turned to Dr. Ekman for help learning to read subtle emotional cues from the faces, voices and body language of potential assassins, terrorists and questionable visa applicants. The detailed knowledge of facial expression has earned Dr. Ekman a supporting role in the movie industry, where he has consulted with animators from Pixar and Industrial Light & Magic to give lifelike expressions to cartoon characters.

Dr. Ekman's expertise is very unique and can be very helpful when understanding when we are de-valuing others. For instance, Dr. Ekman is able to accurately predict whether a couple will divorce in the next 4 years simply by watching (not even hearing) a couple's conversation. He doesn't even need to see the whole conversation... he only needs to see 3-4 minutes to make his prediction. He is right 94% of the time!!

How does he do it?

Dr. Ekman understands that we have micro-expressions that are exposed on our faces that represent how we REALLY feel. These micro-expressions are brief (lasting just a few milliseconds) and contain emotional signals regarding our internal thoughts.

Dr. Ekman studies show that there are many facial expressions that can predict when a relationship will fail but one of the most telling is the contemptuous eye roll!

Paul Ekman discovered this contemptuous facial expression which involves pulling one lip corner to the side and creating a dimple usually accompanied by an eye roll. Just counting how many times somebody did that facial expression when conversing with their partner was an excellent predictor of whether they would get divorced or not.

Let's look at this expression and see if you can recognize this in your life...

We don't talk about contempt much in our society unless, of course, we're talking about courtrooms and lawyers. So, what is contempt? Contempt is a feeling of being better than another person, of being superior, usually morally superior but it can also be felt toward some who is weaker in intelligence, strength, and so forth. Basically, contempt is devaluing another person and overvaluing your self.

During that moment of contempt, your mind is convincing YOU that by devaluing another, you are some how more valuable. That simply is NOT true! Value is not a zero-sum game.

{Click here to read the rest of the article.}

Fantasy Fairies and other mental traps

To keep with my intrinsic value theme this year, I thought I’d take a different approach in this month’s newsletter and discuss one of the major obstacles to focusing on the things in our lives that bring infinite (intrinsic) value. What is this key barrier that keeps us from embracing principles, opportunities, and challenges? What continually sabotages us from engaging in life, connecting with people, creating value, and contributing to our world?

I like to call them “Fantasy Fairies”. These fantasy fairies fly around our minds creating images that draw us from reality to make-believe land.

Sometimes they are pleasant, kind, gentle. You may even view them as positive. These fairies may help you to build images of where you are going to be in 5 years… with increased wealth, happiness, joy, balance and lots of recreation. Oh, how wonderful your life will be ‘when’. The good fantasy fairy helps you to build castles in the sky. She can even help you to move in! She keeps telling you that if you keep imagining the wonderful thoughts that she has for you over and over again, you will soon have those amazingly wonderful things in your life.

You may also have fantasy fairies that flutter around your mind that aren’t so pleasant. These I call Dark Fairies. These fairies create images of doom and gloom. They give you feelings of frustration, discouragement, failure. They create visions of how people are out to get you. They ‘help’ you to ‘understand’ the intentions of others (even when you can’t possibly know these intentions). You know what I’m talking about… when someone writes you a short email or says a few short words to you. Your dark fantasy fairy helps you to believe that it is because they are mad at you or that they don’t like you. In reality, they may just be having a bad day and aren’t really thinking about you at all.

"Hope is for sissies."

Both of these fantasy fairies, the bright one and the night one, keep you from being you. When you live in your mind, you are not living in the world. This reminds me of a great line I heard on House the other night (5/5/08). {Click here to read more.}

Effective Delegating

If you recall, last month we talked about your 'plate' and trying to balance everything that was on it. We talked about how your thoughts can impact your life and get in the way of keeping your plate level and easier to balance. This month we'll talk about delegating.

If you want to live a balanced, fulfilling life, you must free up mental, physical and emotional energy to pursue the things that bring the most value to your life.

Look at your current responsibilities. Which ones are you most passionate and excited about? Which tasks are you best at doing? Which tasks add value to your life and the lives of those around you? Take a few seconds and jot down this list.

Now, for all the things that you do that aren't on your list, you have a couple of options... drop them all together or delegate them to others.

Work should always be done by the lowest competent level. (Now I'm not criticizing anyone's competence, but we have all started at a lower competency level than we are at currently.) So ask yourself this question with every project or every task, "Do I really need to be the one who does this? If not me, then who?" Go to the next lower level and ask the same question. Go down through the ranks until you find the individual to which you have the authority to delegate this task or project.

Road Blocks to Delegation

That all sounds perfectly sensible, doesn't it? So, why don't you do it?

There are many reasons why you don't delegate. Here are a few of the most common:

1. It would be quicker to do it myself.
2. I'll feel better doing it myself.
3. I don't have anyone that I can trust to do it right.
4. I can do it better myself.

Each one of these reasons is supported by an 'unbalanced' thought process. Which one resembles your most prevalent reason for not delegating? Do you use more than one of these excuses regularly?

Let's look at each of these: {Click here for the rest of the newsletter.}

Balancing Your Plate

Do you have a lot on your plate? Most of us do. There are times in our lives when we are overwhelmed, exhausted or even discouraged by all that we have to do. In this newsletter, I want us to take a look at your plate... not only what is on top of it, but what it is supporting it.

Your plate is usually full of all the things you have to do and all of the roles you have to play. If you look at it from above it may look like this...

Here, the green ball may represent the tasks and role of your job or business. The blue ball may represent your health and workout regimen. The red ball may represent your community activities. You get the picture, right? You have all these balls balancing on your plate every single day. Sometimes, one of them will roll close to the edge and you'll have to drop what you're doing to pay attention to it and bring it back to the center of the plate. But, while you're doing that, another ball starts to roll off the edge. Does that sound familiar?

We all know that focusing on keeping the balls on our plate is important, but how would it feel if we could bring our plate more into balance? What if it wasn't consistently leaning to one side or the other? What if we were to look at what is holding up your plate and could somehow steady your plate?Wouldn't a level, balanced plate make balancing everything on it much easier?

It's not what's on your plate, but what's under it

The main supports of your plate are your values and value judgments. Your values determine your choices. Your choices determine your actions. Your actions determine your results (which balls are firmly on your plate and which ones are teetering on the edge.) So, what determines your values? Quite simply, your thoughts.

As the science of axiology has uncovered, there are 3 classes of value into which every one of your thoughts fall.

There is SYSTEMIC value... conceptual or theoretical value. Constructs of the mind, expectations and ideas fall into this class of value. The value of perfection, black and white thinking; consistency, order, conformity; authority; anything that is part of a system - all fall under the systemic class of value.

There is the EXTRINSIC value class... practical or situational value. These are material values or concrete things. You can compare these things as in good, better or best. They have functional and material value. Your tasks and roles, what you do - all fall under the extrinsic class of value.

Then, there is INTRINSIC value... personal or spiritual value. These are the infinite, irreplaceable, worth of individuals. The immeasurable value of the unique and one-of-a-kind. Your own being, timeless principles like wisdom and integrity fall into the intrinsic value class.

In order to keep your plate balanced, your thoughts in each of these value classes must be balanced. What does that mean? {Click here to read the rest of the newsletter.}

Developing a Motivated Mindset

As I discussed in last month's newsletter, my focus this year is to help you increase the intrinsic (infinite, everlasting) value in and around your life. This month's newsletter is designed to help you do just that. Our society worships talent - just look at how much we pay our athletes and star performers. Many people assume that possessing superior skill or intelligence - along with confidence - is the recipe for success. However, Carol Dweck, a Psychology professor at Stanford University, says that more than 30 years of scientific investigation suggests that an overemphasis on intellect or talent leaves people a) vulnerable to failure, b) fearful of challenges and c) unwilling to remedy their deficiencies. Can you believe that? How can over-focus on brain power and talent prevent us from succeeding? That seems a bit counter-intuitive but let's look at this in more detail through the theory of "mindsets". Theory of Mindsets One theory says that there are 2 general classes of learners: fixed mind-set and growth mind-set. People who have a fixed mindset believe that “they are the way they are”. They believe that intelligence, skills, leadership, etc. are fixed traits. That doesn’t mean that they have less of a desire for a positive self-image than anyone else. They do, of course, want to look good, smell good and perform well. Yet, there are some characteristics evident in those with a fixed mindset:

• They Avoid Challenges - Rather than risk failing and negatively impacting their self-image, they will often avoid challenges and stick to what they know they can do well.
• They Avoid Obstacles - They would rather give up easily than risk not overcoming.
• They Ignore Negative Feedback - Well, ignore is the best of cases; feedback is often taken as an insult. They believe that any criticism of their capabilities is criticism of them personally.
• They are Threatened by the Success of Others - They will try to convince themselves and the people around them that the success of others was due to either luck or unethical actions.
• They Believe Effort is Fruitless - Hard work doesn't pay because 'you are what you are', 'you can only do what you can do'.

Do you know of anyone like that? Do you, at times, feel like that?

Let's now look at a growth mindset. {Click here to read the rest of the article.}

Choose Your Direction

For most of us, every New Year brings us to thoughts of New Goals. This year, I'd like for you to try a New Approach. "Experts" will tell you to set clear, defined, measurable goals... short-range, mid-range and long-range goals... and don't forget to put a date on them - a deadline. So you'll list out things like Lose 20 pounds by 3/30/08; Volunteer at Soup Kitchen by 2/29/08, Learn to Speak Spanish by 9/30/08, Take Technical Training Class by 7/31/08, Clean Garage by 4/30/08. Then, as the year goes along, IF you remember, you'll look at these goals and "work on" them. Some you might even accomplish. But, as I wrote about last time, my resolution for 2008 is to help you bring Intrinsic (infinite) value to who you are and what you do. So, I'm going to ask you to take a new approach this year... DON'T WRITE DOWN YOUR GOALS!! (yet) What? That may sound silly coming from someone who is a coach. I mean, shouldn't I be helping people to accomplish their goals? Allow me to explain. Yale Goals Study Never Happened Have you heard this story told by motivational speakers, coaches and personal development gurus? In the annals of personal goal-setting, no story outranks the Yale University Class of 1953. The story goes like this: In 1953, researchers surveyed Yale's graduating seniors to determine how many of them had specific, written goals for their future. The answer: 3%. Twenty years later, researchers polled the surviving members of the Class of 1953 -- and found that the 3% with written goals had accumulated more personal financial wealth than the other 97% of the class combined! It's a coach's and motivational speaker's dream anecdote: a vivid Ivy League success story that documents the cause-and-effect relationship between goals and personal success. It's convincing! It's compelling! It's also completely untrue! After an exhaustive search of Yale alumni archives and in-depth investigations into the source of the study (as quoted by Zig Ziglar, Tony Robbins, and others), there is absolutely no evidence that this study EVER took place. You can't always believe what the gurus say, even if they say it over and over and over again. That's why we depend on science. Using Your Brain Let's look at how your brain handles dreams and goals... {To read the rest of this article, click here.}

In Search of Infinite Value

Recently I released my latest monthly newsletter titled "In Search of Infinite Value".

In business (and in life), we focus on strategy, vision, ideas and planning (especially as we start a new year). Then, we switch and focus on execution, tasks, priorities. We focus on achieving tangible results: increasing sales, retaining talent, increasing stock prices, etc. Often times the important intangibles, like higher morale, motivation and commitment are overlooked.

We as individuals tend to do the same. We compare where we are today to where we were a year ago. We look at our paycheck, our car, our house. We compare these to our family members and friends and co-workers. Then, what do we do? We make grand plans to do more and have more by the end of the upcoming year.

If you'd like to read the entire article, click here and enjoy!

Fear & Fearlessness

Recently, I released the latest edition of Breaking Free - my monthly newsletter that offers tips on how to be the best you can be. This month we discuss fearlessness. Do you recognize the common fears that may be getting in your way every day? Many times we don't because "we've always been that way." Some of the common fears that often times unknowingly hold us back are:

• Fear of Success
• Fear of Failure
• Fear of Change
• Fear of Loss or Death
• Fear of Self-Awareness or Introspection
• Fear of Being Judged or Embarrassment
• Fear of the Being Controlled / Out of Control
• Fear of Trusting Others or Commitment

Do any of those resonate with you?

In many cases, we have feared something for so long that we don't even recognize that it is actually fear that is holding us back.

Here are a few symptoms that can be attributed to fear:

• Procrastination, Laziness
• Absentmindedness
• Anxiety, Stress
• Social Withdrawal, Distrust
• Restlessness - always busy, busy, busy
• Overanalyzing or Perfectionism
• Inability to stay in the "Now"
• Frustration, Guilt, Obligation

Do any of those resonate with you?

If so, read the rest of my newsletter on my website. Go to http://www.breakfreeconsulting.com/newsletters/200711-fearlessness.htm.

Symphonic Leadership

I recently released my lastest newsletter titled "A New Picture of Leadership".

In this new approach to leadership, the focus is on the followers! It's premise is that there is no pre-determined set of characteristics or traits that assure a person is a good or great leader. In this new model, the traits that the leader needs to be successful depends upon the nature of their team.

I call this new approach to leadership "symphonic leadership". As a conductor, you must understand a variety of components including the musical composition (the goal, structure and process), the individual players, their instruments, and their capabilities (the team, their tools and their talents), and the means of orchestrating all of these elements together to produce the harmonious blend of sounds that will move the souls of the audience (your clients).

Learn what it takes to be a symphonic leader by reading the entire article at http://www.breakfreeconsulting.com/newsletters/200710-new_leadership.htm.

Back To School

Recently I published my latest newsletter....

Yes, it's that time of year again. Whether you have children or not, I'm sure that you will in some way be affected by the back to school crowds. The roads will be more crowded. You'll have the flashing lights that make you drive slower through the school zones. You may have to run the kids around to different extracurricular activities in the evenings. There is a lot going on at first, but then we should all fall back into the familiar routine.

So, my question today is: The kids are back in school. Are you?

Ray Kroc once asked it this way: Are you green and growing or ripe and rotting?

Go to http://www.breakfreeconsulting.com/newsletters/200709-backtoschool.htm to read more!!

You are NOT what you think

The August 2007 issue of Breaking Free was just released today...

You are NOT what you think.

• Does it sound like an incomplete sentence?

• Is your first reaction to be offended? (Who does she think she is telling me that!)

• Is your first thought to say "Thank goodness"! I'd hate to be what I think.)

• Are you simply asking "Who cares?"

In last month's newsletter, we talked about consensus and said that studies show that 95% of our population cannot separate their ideas from their self worth. We said that many folks think that if you don't like their IDEA, you don't like them.

In this newsletter, we're going to explore that a little further by having you look at

1. what you think and
2. how you react when someone challenges what you think.

To read more, go to http://www.breakfreeconsulting.com/newsletters/200708-whatyouthink.htm.

Lessons I learned from neighborhood kick ball games

Ok, today I was reflecting on my past a bit and remembering the "good ol' days" (which, of course, at the time weren't always that good).

I started thinking about the days when we'd pay kick ball in the empty lot next to our house...

All the kids in the neighborhood would come over after school and we'd have a terrific game of kick ball. Sure, there were some kids who didn't want to participate in the actual kicking of the ball but only wanted to be the "artificial" pitcher. {Yes, that would be "official" pitcher, meaning they'd roll the ball to home for both teams, but "artificial" and "official" really sounded familiar and could be confusing to pre-teens.}

So here are a few lessons that came to mind...

• It really doesn't matter when you were picked for a team, all that mattered was that you choose to get in the line to be picked. I can't tell you the names of everyone who played kick ball in my neighborhood. There were a lot of us. I can sort of remember who got picked first and who got picked last, but that isn't my lasting memory of our games. What really mattered is that we played. We were outside running around, enjoying the competition.
• That gets me to another lesson... Yes, believe it or not, back in the "good ol' days" one team actually won the game and the other team lost. We didn't hand out trophies to all participants. The winners got to go home knowing that they won and the losers went home strategizing about how they could do better next time. It was good to learn how to win AND learn how to lose!
• It's ok (and even fun) to get hurt, get dirty and get sweaty... even for us girls. There is nothing wrong with exerting physical effort. Hard work can be fun AND fun can be hard work! Sometimes it seems like our culture has made both of these phrases out to be bad words. For some people, their work is their life and everything is so serious. For others, they only show up to their job so that they get a paycheck and can go out and have fun! Why does hard work and fun have to be mutually exclusive? We should all have a lot of both in our lives.
• Many times when we had a lot of people playing we would resort to kicking a lot of ground balls so that the fielders wouldn't catch it from the air and get us out quickly. We would make them pick up the ball and try to 'peg' us with it before we got to first base. Some times, you could pick on a bad fielding opponent all game and just score runs one base at-a-time. But, you have to go for the home run every now and again! I learned that to keep doing what you are successful at doing is only part of the key to success. Every now and then you have to test yourself and try to kick the ball as far as you can. It's the only way to see if you can kick a homerun across to the other side of the street and into the neighbor's yard. (It was also challenging to see if the fielders could get it out of the yard before he came out and yelled at us.) ;)

So, there you have it for today:

• It really doesn't matter when you were picked for a team, all that mattered was that you choose to get in the line to be picked.
• It was good to learn how to win AND learn how to lose!
• Hard work can be fun AND fun can be hard work!
• You have to go for the home run every now and again!

I don't know if these same lessons are taught in today's video games, iTunes, or cell phones but they should be.

Ohhh, one more very important lesson: When it's time to come home to eat dinner with your family and your mom screams your name out of the back door, you should run home quickly before she has to scream your first AND middle name out to the entire neighborhood.

Better Team Work through Consensus

Today I released my latest newsletter to help you get more cooperation and productivity from your team by building consensus. (This doesn't mean everyone has to agree, but that everyone gets a 'say' and their ideas are heard.)

To learn more, go to http://www.breakfreeconsulting.com/newsletters/consensus.htm.

Boosting Self Confidence

• Have you ever tried to help someone be more self-confident?
• Have you ever tried to lift their spirits when they've not performed well?
• Did it work?

Many times we see our friends and coworkers struggling through tough times. Occasionally these tough times are caused by unimaginable external circumstances (like the death of a loved one). Other times, they are caused by external circumstances that seem surmountable but for the person going through it may appear insurmountable.

How can we help?

Axiology, the study of human value judgments, can give us insight into self-confidence and self-esteem. In my blog entry from February 21, 2007, I talked about the 3 classes of value:

• Intrinsic: Intrinsic value objects are unique, priceless, and irreplaceable. They can be valued an infinite number of ways.
• Extrinsic: Extrinsic value objects exist in the common, public, sensory world of space and time that we share with others. Extrinsic value objects can be compared and contrasted with other extrinsic value objects. They have a finite set of properties and are practical or situational.
• Systemic: Systemic values do not exist in public space and time. They are not physical and perceptible things; they exist only as mental concepts constructed by our minds. They can be defined with absolute precision and every instance of them is flawless. For example, a "circle" that deviates slightly from being "a closed curved line with no thickness at all, every point of which is equally distant from its center" is not really a circle. These values do not have as many properties as extrinsic values and are completely conceptual and theoretical.

When our friends struggle with their self-confidence, we usually try to boost theirs in the way we like ours to be boosted. If their self-confidence is challenged in a way that your self-confidence is usually challenged, then your words of encouragement might work. If not, then your words will fall on "deaf ears."

Here's why... In the 6 Advisors metaphor that we use to talk about axiology, your Self-Esteem "advisor" is usually the area of our internal dialogue (what we say to ourselves) that is challenged when we talk about self-confidence. However, while the Self-Esteem advisor is intrinsic in nature, it has intrinsic, extrinsic and systemic subdimensions. Let me explain...

If you take the free 6 Advisors Introductory Assessment and go to the tab for Self-Esteem in your results, you will see a graph (even if it doesn't have any explanation along with it.) The graph will look something like this...

As you can see the main challenges with this client's thought processes regarding self-esteem are in the top and bottom bars of the graph. These are the intrinsic measurements or subdimensions within their Intrinsic internal dialogue. The thoughts that this person has about himself focus on his shortcomings as a person - an irreplaceable, unique, invaluable human being.

If you try to encourage this person by focusing on his intrinsic nature, your words may be overridden by his internal dialogue - these thought processes that tell him the opposite of what you're saying. He may not trust what you're saying to him. (Even if it is the 'truth'.)

However, if you focus on his extrinsic nature (represented by the 2nd and 5th bars on the graph), he may have a better chance of hearing and believing you. These bars show that his self-esteem advisor has a balanced capacity when it comes to seeing himself as a 'doer'.

When we look at this next example, we see that this person's self-esteem is challenged along the 3rd and 4th bars of the graph. These bars represent the systemic nature of how she sees herself.

This person's internal dialogue or thoughts about her ideas are challenged. If you say to her, "Wow, your idea is terrific!" Her response to you might be, "Oh, anyone could have thought of that." In effect, her self-esteem advisor may loudly (in her mind) disagree with what you said.

A person can have any combination of these within their thoughts about themselves. Understanding the different levels of value (intrinsic, extrinsic and systemic) can help you better connect with the folks you are trying to help.

The first step is finding out a little bit more about how YOU think! Click the link below to get started. If you review your results and are interested in more information, don't hesitate to give me a call. You can find my contact information on my website.

Getting it done with Power Sessions

Today I released my latest newsletter...

If you have ever run out of hours in the day before you have completed your list of tasks, this issue of Breaking Free is for you. Learn and practice Power Sessions to be more effective and accomplish more in your day!

Go to the June issue of Breaking Free: Get It Done with Power Sessions.

Plug into Power Sessions TODAY!

Let Your Ideas Go

Recently, I have been aware of how often I defend my ideas. It's weird because it happens at times when I wasn't even sure I had an idea that I needed to defend. See if you can relate to this...

I'm driving through my subdivision when up ahead a lady pulls out into my lane. Now, I had plenty of time to slow down and it wasn't even close to being an accident. But, she pulled out into MY lane!! Being the mature adult that I am, what do you think I did? Of course, I gave her a little toot. How dare she see ME coming down the road and still decide to pull out in front of me! Didn't she know that I was in a hurry and going some place VERY important? She probably cost me about 0.5 seconds by having me take my foot off of the gas pedal (slightly).

It's so weird that my brain thought that it was 'wrong' for her to pull out onto the road. I mean, she probably pays her taxes and paid just as much for the road as I did. So, why do our brains think that such things shouldn't happen? Why do we allow our brain to hold on to expectations that are not realistic? I guess the real question is: Why don't I take control and put a stop to it?

Studies suggest that 95% of the population cannot separate their ideas from their self-worth. Can you see how my self-worth was threatened by my thoughts above? Somehow this lady, who doesn't even know me, offended me and she doesn't even know it.

Take a look at some of the recent events in your life that have caused you angst. Were they caused by your own ideas about what 'should' happen or how it 'should' be or what you thought was 'right' or 'wrong' with an idea?

It's obvious that my brain thinks I should be able to drive to my destination without interference from any other drivers or obstructions. Wow. When I look at it realistically, what are the chances of that ever happening?

What if...

• What if you could release your ideas and not have to defend them?
• What if you just let them go so that other ideas could mix in with them? (Isn't that usually how we come up with the 'best' idea?)

Let your ideas go. They are not you. You are you!

When you let your ideas go, you are free and your ideas are free. If you continue to hold on to them, they are captive to you and you are captive to them.

Think about it... do you find yourself always needing to be right? Do you use words like 'always', 'I guarantee', 'Obviously'? If so, you may be captive to your ideas and your ideas may be captive to you.

Let your ideas go! You will see tremendous things happen when you do. Your ideas will grow and more importantly so will you!

If you need help with this, please let me know. The 6 Advisors coaching program is terrific at getting you to understand your thoughts and be in control of them. I'd love to talk to you about it.

Give the free assessment on the right a try! If you find that your Systems Thinking advisor or your Self-Direction advisor is the most challenged, you may be holding on to your ideas too tightly. I can help!