Success and Failure

February 2011

To continue to help you be a better leader I wanted to focus on your mindset this month. There are so many myths out there as well as stories and depictions that don't really add value or help you create success in your life or your leadership.

For example, many success gurus purport a 1953 Yale Study that proved that the 3% of graduates who wrote down their goals accounted for 97% of the class' wealth. Have you ever heard of this study? Truth is: It never happened.

How about the story that your mom told you: if you swallow your gum it will take 7 years to digest? Nope. That's not true either. (And if you ever swallowed any of that fluorescent Gator Gum, you already knew that.)

The Road to Success

How about this depiction?

It's also a myth!

It looks like the road to success goes in one direction and the road to failure goes in the opposite direction. This can create what we call the "sucker's choice". Either you have to choose success OR you have to choose failure. The sucker's choice is rarely the correct perspective.

It's another one of those myths which won't add value to your life. It is simply not the truth and will probably take away value from your life. If you continue to believe this IS the road sign of life, you can unintentionally create a sabotaging mental habit or mindset that keeps you from your success, your goals, and your dreams.

The road to success is paved with failures. Failure is the price that you pay for your success. If you spend your time trying to avoid failure, you will get what you pay for. You will probably be standing still or going in the same vicious circle you've been going in for years.

The course you take to success WILL have failure stops along the way. The real question for you is: how effectively do you manage those failures?

Read more...

So you think you've failed? (Part 2)

Ok, last time we borrowed a story from the Bible to talk a little about the fear of failure by giving you an example of a real mess-up by Abraham. Today, we're going to look at another story from the Bible about David.

This time we will go to 2 Samuel. Here is our main character David:

One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, "Isn't this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite?" Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her. (She had purified herself from her uncleanness.) Then she went back home. The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, "I am pregnant." (2 Samuel 11:2-5)

Oh dear, we have a little problem here. So much for that "Thou shalt not commit adultery" command, huh? It turns out that David slept with Uriah's wife and got her pregnant. That could be considered a failure on a couple of points, right? But, that's not all! As we read on, we find out that Uriah is a soldier in David's army and is off fighting in a war. So, there is no possibility that Bathsheba's baby could be Uriah's child.

Then, David has an idea... if he could bring Uriah back to town for a night and send him home to his wife, Uriah would surely have relations with Bathsheba and then David would be off the hook. Brilliant! One teeny, tiny problem... Uriah did come to town but he didn't spend the night with his wife.

When David was told, "Uriah did not go home," he asked him, "Haven't you just come from a distance? Why didn't you go home?" Uriah said to David, "The ark and Israel and Judah are staying in tents, and my master Joab and my lord's men are camped in the open fields. How could I go to my house to eat and drink and lie with my wife? As surely as you live, I will not do such a thing!" Then David said to him, "Stay here one more day, and tomorrow I will send you back." So Uriah remained in Jerusalem that day and the next. At David's invitation, he ate and drank with him, and David made him drunk. But in the evening Uriah went out to sleep on his mat among his master's servants; he did not go home. (2 Samuel 11:10-13)

Ok, just what David needed an honorable soldier in his army. So Uriah didn't do what David had hoped that he'd do. Uriah, being the dedicated soldier that he was, was not going to enjoy the pleasures of home while his comrades were out in the field. So, David had to come up with yet another brilliant idea. He decided to get Uriah all liquored-up so that in his drunkenness he would stumble home and possibly then, Uriah wouldn't know if he had slept with his wife or not. But, David was foiled again! Now what was he going to do? Bathsheba was still pregnant and it couldn't be her husband's child. David had one more plan up his sleeve... (desperate times call for desperate measures, right?)

In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it with Uriah. In it he wrote, "Put Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die." So while Joab had the city under siege, he put Uriah at a place where he knew the strongest defenders were. When the men of the city came out and fought against Joab, some of the men in David's army fell; moreover, Uriah the Hittite died. (2 Samuel 11:14-17)

Did you catch that? David had Uriah carry a note back to his commander that told the commander to make sure the Uriah died in the next battle. Now there's a picture of audacity for you.

So, it happened as David so ordered and then...

When Uriah's wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him. After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing David had done displeased the LORD. (2 Samuel 11:26-27)

It seems as though David got what he wanted even if he made God mad, right? Well, as the story progresses, we find out that Bathsheba and David's son dies because the Lord was 'displeased'. However, David and Bathsheba did have another son, Solomon, whom God blessed beyond measure. Many experts will tell you that Solomon was the richest and wisest man to ever live on this earth.

As for David... well, in Acts 13:22, God describes David by saying, 'I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.' Isn't that the ultimate compliment?! David was a man after God's own heart.

Does that seem at all weird to you? God actually blesses a man who committed adultery? Yep, that's what it says.

So, what can we learn from this story?

1. Even the best intentioned people fail sometimes - and fail BIG. This is nothing that we should be afraid of. David failed often (just like Abraham in the previous blog entry), but he never gave up.
2. Failure is not final and can be overcome. David continued to learn and grow and do his very best to serve. He was truly sorry for his mistakes and did his best to make up for them.
3. What do you have to worry about anyway? It's not like your failure is going to be published in the Bible! So, you live with it for a few days, weeks, years. Look, David's failures are timelessly recorded in the #1 best seller of all of eternity. (And you were worried about what your boss said in that email. ;)

Sometimes our very best isn't good enough in the world's eyes, but it's really all that we have to offer at that time. When you act with pure intentions, it may not always turn out as you expected but you will always have your integrity and you will have strengthened your mind, your heart, your body and your soul.

I want to encourage you to look your fear of failure directly in the eye and realize that it's just one of the thoughts that is in your mind. You can choose at any time to think another thought - try it!

Instead of fearing possible failure, what would you dare to accomplish if you knew you couldn't fail? Go on, give it a try. I promise that if you mess up, it won't be as bad as you imagined AND it won't be published in the Bible for all to see.

(All Bible quotes are from the New International Version.)

So you think you've failed? (Part 1)

As I coach, I am blessed to have the opportunity to connect with people in a deep and meaningful way. I have talked with CEOs, moms, VPs, pastors, business owners, sales professionals, and consultants. One thing that is frequently appears throughout the conversations is the fear of failure.

So, today I wanted to share a story with you. Many of you may recognize it because it is well over 2000 years old. I am hoping that I can give you a new perspective that puts it in a little different light. It's a story from the Bible about a man named Abram.

Here's how it goes from Genesis 12:1-4 of the Bible...

The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you. "I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you." So Abram left, as the LORD had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran.

Ok, now here we have our protagonist, Abram, who was asked by God to go somewhere. God didn't give him directions, He just said that He would show Abram the way. WOW! How trusting of Abram to just pick up everything and go!

So what did Abram do? Let's read a few more verses... (Gen 12:10-16)

Now there was a famine in the land, and Abram went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe. As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, "I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'This is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you."

When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that she was a very beautiful woman. And when Pharaoh's officials saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh, and she was taken into his palace. He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, menservants and maidservants, and camels.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?! Abram ran into a little trouble (ok, a famine) and then brokered a deal with his WIFE. He thought they, the Egyptians, would kill him to take his wife, so Abram basically SOLD HIS WIFE to the Pharoah for lots and lots of things. Today we'd call him the lowest of pimps, right?

I mean, he did get all kinds of good stuff for her... today it would've been MP3 players, SUVs, mansions with maids and butlers, HDTV with DVR as well as ca$h - just terrific stuff. I mean, terrific if you don't mind putting a price on your wife.

So then what happened? (Gen 12:17-20)

But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram's wife Sarai. So Pharaoh summoned Abram. "What have you done to me?" he said. "Why didn't you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, 'She is my sister,' so that I took her to be my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!" Then Pharaoh gave orders about Abram to his men, and they sent him on his way, with his wife and everything he had.

So God punished the Pharoah because Abram lied to him! Is that whacked? In today's world, we'd look at Abram and call him a real swindler.

In Abram's own eyes, he was a total failure. Here was a good man making a BIG mistake. But, God knew he was trying to do his very best and so Abram (Abraham) was rewarded anyway.

You may think that is the end of the story, but it's not. Look what Abraham did in Genesis 20:1-3.

Now Abraham moved on from there into the region of the Negev and lived between Kadesh and Shur. For a while he stayed in Gerar, and there Abraham said of his wife Sarah, "She is my sister." Then Abimelech king of Gerar sent for Sarah and took her. But God came to Abimelech in a dream one night and said to him, "You are as good as dead because of the woman you have taken; she is a married woman."

Yes, you read that correctly! Abraham (formerly known as Abram) told the king that his wife was his sister. His excuse (see if this sounds familiar):

And Abimelech asked Abraham, "What was your reason for doing this?" Abraham replied, "I said to myself, 'There is surely no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.'

And what happened to Abraham?

Then Abimelech brought sheep and cattle and male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, and he returned Sarah his wife to him. And Abimelech said, "My land is before you; live wherever you like." To Sarah he said, "I am giving your brother a thousand shekels of silver. This is to cover the offense against you before all who are with you; you are completely vindicated."

So, while Abraham was truly trying to do his best, he sold off his wife TWICE! In exchange for his wife, he received lots of cool stuff. And, even when his beautiful wife was returned to him, he still got to keep all the cool stuff AND more.

My message to you today isn't a religious one. There are 2 points to it:

1. Don't be afraid to follow your heart - even if you're not quite sure where it leads you. God kept his promise to Abraham even though Abraham messed up a few times. Gen 12:2 "I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing." Gen 22:17-18 "I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me."
2. In all that you do, do it with integrity, honesty and always give it your best. That doesn't mean that you won't fail - we all do. What it means is that your failure can still be rewarding to you. Abraham's failures were rewarding to him. Now, I'm not suggesting that you try to sell off your spouse - although some of you may think that is a good idea at times. ;) Be true to you - your heart and your soul - and no matter what circumstances may appear, you will not be a failure.

Come on, go do that thing today that you have been fearing. Do it with the best intentions. You can cure your fear of failure by taking action today!

Playing to Win vs. Playing Not to Lose

Well, since it's still football season, I seem to be thinking a lot about the game and how it is a reflection of life. Today my thoughts focus around the 'prevent' defense. How many of you hate it when your favorite team goes into the 'prevent' defense with a small lead at the end of the game?
I can't STAND it! Those Pittsburgh Steelers have gone almost 60 minutes playing their style of football according to their game plan and then just because the clock is running down, they stop doing what got them into the lead in the first place. Does anyone else have a problem with this? Why after all of the challenges and struggles of the game do they then play NOT to lose?
What causes us to play not to lose instead of continuing to play to win? Are we tired? Do we think we've done enough? Do we really think that the 'prevent' defense 30 yards off of the line of scrimmage prevents the other team from scoring any more than playing according to their game plan? What do we attribute our lead to? goodluck?
I am perplexed by this yet I see it in my life and the lives of my many successful friends. We get to a point where we're doing "ok". We think we're going to make our sales numbers... We think we're going to make our delivery deadlines... but do we really believe it?
Are our thoughts telling us that we don't deserve to win? Do we think that we are entitled to the victory if we just stay on the field until the time runs out? Are we afraid that we might lose?
Why is it that we hold back? We drive through our lives with one foot on the accelerator and the other on the brake. Dale Carnegie said, "Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy." What's holding you back and sabotaging your action?
Boy, I've asked a lot of questions today. I honestly believe that if we just focused all the way through our task and didn't get into a mode of coasting or sitting back and letting the game come to us, we would be so much more successful. So, how can we do that?
All of our actions, or lack thereof, comes from our thoughts. We could release the brake if we just knew which thoughts to believe and which thoughts to ignore. Have you ever taken a step back and analyzed how you think? Let me encourage you to do that with this shameless plug for my free assessment. Taking a free online assessment, and viewing and listening to the online debriefing can help. Click the link below to start the process.

Life is too precious to spend 'playing not to lose.' We need to grab the day by the horns and make the best investment of those 24 hours. We never get to go back and relive them again.

Make it a point not to slack or coast at the end of your day, end of your week, or end of your month. Play to win all the time, especially in the final moments - that's when your efforts may matter the most. Make the ending to each day a powerful ending and you'll never regret the effort - even if you come up short sometimes... we all do. Only by finishing strong will you know that you have laid the foundation for a terrific start in the morrow and the incredible victory that lies ahead.