How Conflicts Escalate: Overreacting to Perceived Slights: Scientific American

Here's an interesting article on how people punish one another for stinginess more than they reward for generosity. It only takes a minute or two to read and could give you something new to think about...
How Conflicts Escalate: Overreacting to Perceived Slights: Scientific American

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Let's change the standard definition of P.C.

To many people here in the US, P.C. means 'political correctness'. Personally, I don't believe there is anything political or correct about it. I mean, if we call a turd a flower, does it really make it a flower?

Political means 'of, pertaining to, or involving the state or its government' or 'pertaining to the art or science of government or governing' or even 'the methods or tactics involved in managing a state or government'. (Please note it says 'managing a government' NOT manipulating the population.)

Correctness means having the properties of being correct. And being correct means that it is 'right' or 'free from error or fault; true or accurate'.

Yet, somehow when we pull these two words together we get something totally different. The American Heritage Dictionary defines the 2 words together as 'avoidance of expressions or actions that can be perceived to exclude or marginalize or insult people who are socially disadvantaged or discriminated against'.

Huh? From the first two definitions, being politically correct would mean governing by what is right, accurate and true. I don't see anywhere in those definitions where political or correctness means that no one ever in this world should ever be even marginally offended or insulted.

Let's examine what I think P.C. really means...

Being P.C. really means 'Patronizing Censorship'. It really tells people that they are inferior because they can't handle someone's opinion of them. So, we should reword or censor all of our statements in a manner that doesn't hurt their feelings. Really? Are we Americans a bunch of spineless babies who can't handle someone talking negatively about us any more? Must we truly limit our freedom of speech because someone chooses to be offended by them?

P.C. also means 'Preplanned Compliance'. This makes us feel like we have to 'walk on eggshells' and avoid spontaneity. Lord knows, if we happened to slip up and say what we really meant, we would fall out of compliance and be slapped with heavy fines and penalties. We wouldn't ever want to hear another person's unrehearsed, unadulterated opinion or experiences. That would be such a tragedy. (Yes, you are detecting a note of sarcasm there. Oh, wait, is sarcasm politically correct?)

Being P.C. actually 'Promotes Corruption'. It tells people that it is acceptable to be dishonest and even encourages them to lack or push aside their integrity. They are not allowed to be true to themselves and their thoughts because in doing so they might possibly offend someone. Instead, we have to massage our message so that we don't say what we truly mean but instead what others want to hear. (No wonder so many people feel unheard and isolated in our society.)

P.C. causes us to treat each other like 'Purposeless Caricatures'. It makes us somehow feel like we aren't real live people with hearts, minds, and souls. Instead we are aimless pawns that need 'their' rules, policies and procedures so that we might properly navigate the game board of life.

Most of all, PC translates to 'Paralyzes Communication'. It limits our freedom of speech and keeps us from fully expressing ourselves. Following the rules of P.C. tells us that our thoughts, ideas, and opinions don't matter unless they fit into 'their' Prescribed Conditions. And when our thoughts, ideas and opinions don't matter, our humanness doesn't matter.

I say we redefine this acronym!

Let's have P.C.'s definition be 'Personal Choice'. Let's allow ourselves to have the freedom of speech that the First Amendment guarantees. Our founding fathers and many others have DIED for this right. Now, our society has somehow made it the standard, or should I say, made it politically correct, for this right to be taken away from us.

Let's have P.C. stand for 'Practical Confidence'. Let's not be so confident that we are cocky and self-righteous. Let's be realistic about who we are and let's be confident and sure that we are and are becoming whom we were created to become. It is not arrogant to make claims of superiority when you ARE superior in

How about 'Principled Constitution'? And by that I mean our personal constitution or make up. Let's raise our next generation of children to have a solid human foundation... to believe in themselves; to be self-accepting, self-assured, broad-minded and big-hearted. Let's teach them to 'Promote Charity', 'Provide Comfort', 'Promote Community', Praise Cultural differences and Publicly Consider and debate our differing ideas. Let's teach them that...

"It's not what you are called, but what you answer to that matters!!"

Les Brown once told a teacher that he was EMR (educable mentally retarded) and couldn't do what the teacher had asked. 'They' had labeled him. His teacher, Mr. Washington, then said something to Les that changed his life...

"Someone's opinion of you does NOT have to become YOUR reality."

When someones says something negative, derogatory or demeaning about your race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, class, geography or ecology, it does NOT have to become YOUR reality. YOU control your destiny. If one door is closed to you, find a way to open it or go find or make another door. You have the Power to Choose!

Eleanor Roosevelt once said,

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

If each one of us truly and deeply believed that, there would be no need for Political Correctness which Paralyzes Communication and isolates us, and dare I say, segregates us one from another. In fact, no one can make you feel anything without your permission... no one can make your feel offended without your permission. No one can make you feel humiliated without your permission. No one can make you feel victimized without your permission.

While we may not choose our circumstances... We DO choose our reactions to our circumstances. That is what differentiates us from every other living creature on the planet. Even in the most tragic of conditions, we can choose our response. That is what makes us human. Political Correctness leads us to believe that we don't have that ability.

Political Correctness perpetuates FEAR. The only way to overcome it is through LOVE. You CAN love people and still be politically incorrect. These 2 things are NOT mutually exclusive although 'they' (the promoters of political correctness) would like you to think so.

Let's work to bring the different cultures, different religions, and different people of this great nation together!! Let's stop the divisiveness of Political Correctness. Let's not allow the very characteristics that makes us great to tear us apart.

Let's get rid of political correctness and replace it with Principled Constitution, Practical Confidence and Personal Choice. That, my friends, will allow us to overcome this fabricated fear and live together in liberty and love.

(Republished from 2 years ago because it has a lot of relevance to today.)

Freedom to Live

Freedom... is there anything more powerful?

In the USAToday this morning, there was a poll asking what adults say is their idea of the American Dream. The results?

It appears that freedom is at the top of the list. Freedom to accomplish and freedom to speak. What's also interesting is that the next two items are financial and these items also require freedom in order to be attained.

I believe that men and women of this earth can solve or overcome any crisis or challenge as long as they are FREE.

There is no greater power on this planet than a human being that is free to dream, create and be.

As an American, I am greatly blessed. I happened to be born in and live in the freest country in the world. As long as you have your freedom you can create great wealth... for yourself and for the world. (Haven't Americans already done that throughout our history?)

Freedom, however, includes the freedom to fail. Our current government (both political parties) seems to want to eliminate failure and corruption. By doing this, they will also eliminate our freedom and our ability as human beings to learn, adapt and grow into our full potential.

For instance, yesterday, did smokers in the US, with the additional sixty-two cent tax on a pack of cigarettes, gain or lose freedom? Regardless of their choice to continue smoking and pay the tax or quit smoking and not pay the tax, they lost some of their freedom to choose because of the new law. They are not simply free to make the same decision they did the day before without new consequences.

If your freedoms start to disappear, if you are no longer free to succeed or fail, your potential is being limited and you will become retarded in your growth. Oh sure, you will have naysayers who will tell you that freedom breeds corruption - just look at our current financial situation. However, it didn't happen because of freedom, it happened when others took freedom away.

When the US government (again, both political parties), steps in and tells its citizens that they are entitled to own a home even if they can't afford it, the government has taken away the freedom of the new homeowner. Ask any one of them that are now struggling to hold on to their unearned home... do they own the house or does the house own them?

Although there is just one letter difference between owe and own... the gap is bridged by freedom. When you owe, you have less freedom. When you own, you have more. There is a HUGE difference between being owed a home (entitled) and owning a home (deeded or titled).

We need to make sure that the "n" is at the end of "ow" and not the beginning of "titled" because THAT IS FREEDOM.

The greatest travesty bestowed upon the poor of this nation, particularly the African Americans, is the welfare and entitlement systems and mentality. This country, no, the world, would be far greater than it is today if the poor in this country would've been told about their freedom instead of told the falsehood of what some others owe them.

The wealth of this nation, dare I say the world, is ONLY created by people who are FREE!

I want to encourage everyone regardless of their political affiliation, race, gender, orientation, or status to preserve and fight for freedom. It is not about who has more. It IS about YOUR ability and freedom , if you so choose, to create more.

The more a government takes from ANYONE, the fewer resources and freedom the people have to grow wealth and prosper as human beings. When this happens the whole world loses.

Does the fountain of youth lie in the naked mole rat?

Don't judge this book by its cover (or lack of one), it just may hold the secret to a longer, disease-free life. Check out this 60 second article: Does the fountain of youth lie in the naked mole rat?

Where in the world am I?

Now you can know...

Today I will be master of my emotions. Weak is he who permits his thoughts to control his actions; strong is he who forces his actions to control his thoughts.

Changing Through Experience

You've heard the saying "experience is the best teacher", right?

The great Roman leader Julius Caesar recorded the earliest known version of this proverb, "Experience is the teacher of all things." around 52 B.C.

The Roman author Pliny in 77 A.D. wrote, "Experience is the most efficient teacher of all things." (Sounds like he copied most of it from JC.)

What I think they really mean is most people learn more by doing than by reading or listening.

Would you agree with that?

If experience is the best teacher, then why did I spend all those years in school? Was it to gain knowledge or gain experience? Shouldn't I just have gone out and gathered lots and lots of experience?

If experience is the best teacher then why aren't those with the most life experiences the most successful?

Will Rogers

Will Rogers once said, "The trouble with using experience as your guide is that sometimes the final exam comes first, then the lesson." Og Mandino wrote, "In truth, experience teaches thoroughly yet her course of instruction devours men's years so the value of her lessons diminishes with the time necessary to acquire her special wisdom. The end finds it wasted on dead men. Furthermore, experience is comparable to fashion; an action that proved successful today will be unworkable and impractical tomorrow."

Do you agree with those statements?

So which is it then? Let's look at axiology first and then we'll take a peek at how neuroscience and the brain work to answer the question "Is Experience the Best Teacher?".

The Value of Experience

Knowledge (thinking) lays the foundation for experience, yet axiologically knowledge is infinitely less valuable than experience. You see, knowledge is systemic. By definition, it only exists in your mind. Experience is extrinsic... you can measure it and you can see it. Something that is tangible is infinitely more valuable than something that only exists in your head.

So, experience is infinitely more valuable than knowledge. But is it the best teacher?

Because you have measured it, seen it, and experienced it, does that mean that you have learned from it? Of course not!

It is implied in the saying "Experience is the best teacher" that if you experience a lot, you will learn a lot. Now I'm not going to tell you that experience isn't a good teacher but it is only a good teacher if it brings about change.

A rich and wise man once told me, "to know and not do is not to know". Sure I was confused at first, but then I realized what it meant. For example, to say you KNOW you should exercise more and not DO it, is exactly the same as not knowing you should do it. Why? Because the knowledge changes nothing.

Read the rest of the newsletter at http://www.breakfreeconsulting.com/newsletters/200903-experience.htm.

Speed of Change

Let's take a look at the speed of change these days...

• INFORMATION: One week’s worth of NY Times newspaper contains more information than a person could access in a lifetime in the 18th century.

• ENGLISH LANGUAGE: Has over 540,000 words (5 times what existed in the 1600's when Shakespeare wrote his works)

• JOBS: top 10 “in-demand” jobs of 2010 did not exist in 2004

• JOB TENURE: 1 in 4 workers have been with their current employer less than 1 year; 1 in 2 less than 5 years with their current employer

Change is:

• Sudden

• Exponential

• Constant

• (and often times scary)

Robert B. Reich says, "Companies that can’t change the way that they think about change won’t be able to change the way they compete. Companies that can’t change in this new environment can’t play in this new economy."

The same holds true for you. If you can't, won't or don't change the way that you think about change, you won't be able to compete in today's economy.

How to keep up

How can one human being keep up with constant, exponential change? It comes down to VALUE. Look at it this way...

Do you remember the "change agents" that companies brought into their organizations in the past? They were given the positional authority to make changes and help the company do things cheaper, faster and better. This pushed the company toward linear (extrinsic) improvement. They would cut costs, question current practices, and apply new technology. Then, they would use command and control techniques to force these changes into the organization (usually without much buy-in from the folks who had to implement these changes. This approach to change was mechanical, limited, out-of-touch, and point-to-point.

Change today cannot only be about changing EXTRINSIC "things" because "things" keep changing and you couldn't keep up. Today's change must be about the INTRINSIC!! It must be about focusing on the genius of human beings... YOUR genius.

Focus on the Intrinsic

Og Mandino writes:

A mulberry leaf touched with the genius of man becomes silk.

A field of clay touched with the genius of man becomes a castle.

A cypress tree touched with the genius of man becomes a shrine.

A cut of sheep's hair touched with the genius of man becomes raiment for a king.

If it is possible for leaves and clay and wood and hair to have their value multiplied a hundred, yea a thousandfold by man, cannot I do the same with the clay which bears my name?

Today I will multiply my value a hundredfold.

Your genius and your brilliance...

that is what makes exponential growth possible!!

To read more, click here.

Upcoming Speaking Engagements

I'd like to invite you to attend any of my upcoming speaking engagements:

Date (2009)	Location	Time	Organization
Feb 10	Rochester, NY	6:00 - 8:00 p.m.	PMI Rochester Chapter Meeting
Feb 17	Syracuse, NY	5:30 - 8:00 p.m.	PMI Syracuse Chapter Meeting
Feb 18	Buffalo, NY	11:30 - 1:00 p.m.	PMI Buffalo Lunch Seminar
Mar 2	New York City, NY	5:30 - 7:30 p.m.	PMI NYC Career Development Network
Mar 10	Westchester, NY	5:30 - 7:30 p.m.	PMI Westchester Chapter Meeting
Mar 18	Baton Rouge, LA	5:30 - 7:30 p.m.	PMI Baton Rouge Chapter Meeting
Mar 19	New Orleans, LA	5:30 - 7:30 p.m.	PMI Greater New Orleans Chapter Meeting
Apr 9	College Station, TX	11:30 - 1:30 p.m.	ASTD Brazos Valley Chapter Meeting
Apr 16	Oklahoma City, OK	11:30 - 1:00 p.m.	PMI Oklahoma City Chapter Meeting
Apr 21	Morristown, NJ	5:30 - 9:00 p.m.	PMI New Jersey Chapter Meeting
Apr 23	Appleton, WI	8:30 - 9:30 a.m.	PMI Northeast Wisconsin Keynote Address
May 13	Kitchener, Ontario, Canada	5:30 - 9:00 p.m.	PMI Canada’s Technology Triangle
May 18-20	Amsterdam, Netherlands	TBD	PMI EMEA Global Congress
May 28	Thousand Oaks, CA	5:15 - 9:00 p.m.	PMI Los Padres Chapter Meeting

Resolutions and Change

Congratulations!! You've made it to a New Year! This is the time of year when you may be reminiscing about 2008 and making plans for 2009. This can be both exciting and frustrating.

Have you made any resolutions? Resolutions are all about change. I like to think of it as being all about GROWTH. (Change is more difficult and sometimes feared, where as growth is a natural process of living.)

Have you struggled with your resolutions in the past? If so, we'll take a look at change (growth) together in this newsletter and hopefully, you'll be able to implement the steps needed at the end to realize your potential in 2009. Let's get started...

++ Change is Hard!

I bet you already knew that change was hard but I bet you don't know just how hard it is.

Change or Die

What if that was your choice for 2009? Really. I'm not joking here. What if you had to change or you died? I'm talking about life and death - YOUR life or death. What if a super-smart, trusted authority figure approached you and said you had to make difficult and permanent changes in the way you think and act or your life would end soon, would you be able to do it?

"Yes", you say?

Really? Try again.

"Yes!!", you say with more emphasis as if I didn't hear you the first time.

The truth is you are probably deluding yourself. You wouldn't change. Not if it was too uncomfortable or difficult.

Don't believe me? Let's look at the statistics:

Let's look at patients with severe heart disease who have undergone coronary bypass surgery, a traumatic and expensive procedure that can cost more than $100,000 if complications arise. About 600,000 people go through this procedure every year in the United States and another 1.3 million patients have angioplasties - all at a cost of about $30 billion. These procedures temporarily relive chest pains but rarely prolong lives or prevent future heart attacks. Many patients could AVOID the need for repeat surgery or repeat chest pain - not to mention changing the course of their disease and adding years to their lives - simply by switching to a healthier lifestyle. Yet, very few do. Their lives are at significantly greater risk unless they exercise and lose weight, and they clearly see the value of changing their behavior. But, after just two years, over 90% of them don’t follow through. Even though they know they have a very bad disease and they know they should change their lifestyle habits, for whatever reason, they don't.

There are people in the legislative and executive branches of the US government who preach about improving healthcare in the US. Yet, for the last 50 years, even with all the advances in technology and medical care, the US is still plagued by the same five issues that it had back in the 1950's. Eighty percent (80%) of the healthcare budget in the US - estimated to be $2.4 TRILLION dollars annually = 15% of our economy = over 50% of the US Federal Budget (minus the bailout money) - is spent on these five issues.

If you could change these 5 problems, you would solve all of the healthcare issues here in the US. That's amazing, isn't it. So, what are these 5 issues? They are all behavioral and VERY preventable...

• Too much smoking
• Too much drinking (alcoholic beverages)
• Too much eating (including high calorie beverages)
• Too much stress
• Not enough exercise

Have you ever tried to change any of these things in your life? Are any of these things on your list of changes (again) for 2009?

++ Change is Pain!

To read more, click here.

Great Expectations for 2009: Scientific American Podcast

Multiple experiments by Duke University professor Dan Ariely reveal how our expectations hugely influence our decisions, and ultimately, our experiences.

Well maybe consider Duke professor Dan Ariely’s book, Predictably Irrational, in which he describes how our expectations can hugely affect our decisions.

Listen to this 60 second podcast by clicking here.

Happy New Year!!!

Upcoming Speaking Engagements

I'd like to invite you to attend any of my upcoming speaking engagements:

Date (2009)	Location	Time	Organization
Jan 13	Houston, TX	6:30 - 8:00 p.m.	PMI Houston North Chapter Meeting
Jan 14	Houston, TX	6:30 - 8:00 p.m.	PMI Houston Galleria Chapter Meeting
Feb 10	Rochester, NY	6:00 - 8:00 p.m.	PMI Rochester Chapter Meeting
Feb 17	Syracuse, NY	5:30 - 8:00 p.m.	PMI Syracuse Chapter Meeting
Feb 18	Buffalo, NY	11:30 - 1:00 p.m.	PMI Buffalo Lunch Seminar
Mar 2	New York City, NY	5:30 - 7:30 p.m.	PMI NYC Career Development Network
Mar 10	Westchester, NY	5:30 - 7:30 p.m.	PMI Westchester Chapter Meeting
Mar 18	Baton Rouge, LA	5:30 - 7:30 p.m.	PMI Baton Rouge Chapter Meeting
Mar 19	New Orleans, LA	5:30 - 7:30 p.m.	PMI Greater New Orleans Chapter Meeting
Apr 9	College Station, TX	11:30 - 1:30 p.m.	ASTD Brazos Valley Chapter Meeting
Apr 16	Oklahoma City, OK	11:30 - 1:00 p.m.	PMI Oklahoma City Chapter Meeting
Apr 21	Morristown, NJ	5:30 - 9:00 p.m.	PMI New Jersey Chapter Meeting
Apr 23	Appleton, WI	8:30 - 9:30 a.m.	PMI Northeast Wisconsin Keynote Address
May 13	Kitchener, Ontario, Canada	5:30 - 9:00 p.m.	PMI Canada’s Technology Triangle
May 18-20	Amsterdam, Netherlands	TBD	PMI EMEA Global Congress
May 28	Thousand Oaks, CA	5:15 - 9:00 p.m.	PMI Los Padres Chapter Meeting

Intrinsically Valuing YOU

Do you ever think about your intrinsic, infinite value? In today's world, you are taught from a very young age that your value isn't in WHO you are but it is in WHAT you do and HOW you behave.

In elementary school you are first taught all the rules... don't cut in line, don't write on the walls, don't put gum in Suzie's hair. Then, you are taught reading, writing and arithmetic and graded on how well you learned it. You are measured almost every day in school with tests, quizzes and homework. Are you ever taught about the value of people? Is it any wonder that you only see your systemic and extrinsic value?

Come to think of it, how do you even know that you are intrinsically valuable? Are you priceless and irreplaceable?

I tell a story at some of my speaking engagements... Those of you who are over 25 y.o. may remember the story of Baby Jessica. Baby Jessica was 18 months old when she was playing in the backyard of her aunt's house in Midland, Texas. Her aunt went into the house to answer the phone. When she came back moments later, the other children she was babysitting were looking down the casing of an abandoned well. As we later found out, Jessica was wedged in the 8-inch wide pipe 22 feet down. For 58 hours, the world watched as an estimated 450 volunteers tried to rescue 'Baby Jessica'. Drillers, miners and volunteers from as far away as Albuquerque, N.M. selflessly dropped everything and rushed to where their skills were needed.

Why? Why were so many people involved in the rescue of one little baby girl? Can you imagine how much money was spent drilling that parallel shaft and then trying to find a away to dig over to where the little girl was stuck? I mean, we didn't even know if Jessica was going to amount to anything. Was she going to do well in school, complete her homework and get stars on the top of her quizzes and tests? Was she going to behave and obey the rules? Really! Was she going to be worth all of this effort when we didn't even know what she was going to DO when she grew up? Besides, couldn't her parents just get together and make a new one?

Ok, I am being quite facetious. Why did we rescue her? Because as long as those listening devices were picking up Baby Jessica's cries and sounds from that well, we all knew that there was a precious human life to be saved. No matter what the cost in materials or how many human labor hours were needed, as long as she was alive, our efforts to get her out would be unceasing. Baby Jessica is a priceless, irreplaceable, infinitely valuable human being and so are YOU!

Distorting Reality

Over the years, through your experiences, your mind has picked up thought habits that do not accurately reflect reality. These thinking patterns were developed over time and now your mind 'sees' the world through these distorted glasses. In some areas of your life the distortion isn't great at all. In others, the misperception and myths are truly detrimental.

To learn more, click here.

Improving Your Reality

Your brain creates your reality. How much time do you spend thinking about your brain? Do you ever pay attention to your brain? Today we're going to discuss your brain's role in perception and reality. We'll also see if you have A.N.T.s in your brain.

John Milton in Paradise Lost wrote, "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."

In life, it is not what happens to you that determines what you do or how you feel; it is how your mind perceives reality that makes it so. So, how has your mind been making your reality?

Most people are unaware of how their thinking clouds their reality. They are unaware that they are not controlled by events or other people but by the perceptions their brains make of those events and people.

Take the stock markets across the world... some people are saddened, depressed and even angry over the falling stock prices. They see the value of their portfolios or 401k accounts dropping by 40% and react to their perception that the stock market is too risky so they pull their funds out of the market and put it in 'safer' investments (or under their mattress). Compare that to the people who saw the same drop of 40% in their investments and are excited. They are looking for cash to BUY more stocks because they view the current situation as a SALE... everything is 40% off!!

What's the difference? "Reality" is still reality... the stock market is down. But, their brains see the same situation from different perspectives and they will obtain different results. Understand that the view your brain takes of a situation, event or person has more reality in it than the actual situation itself.

Reality & Perception

Your perceptions bear witness to your state of mind and the state of your brain. What you see in life is based on your INNER view of the world formed by the neural connections of your mind. As your brain functions, so you perceive.

Dr. Daniel Amen in his book, Making a Good Brain Great, talks about a formula that he writes out for his patients:

A + B = C

A = Actual Event

B = Brain's interpretation or perception of the event

C = Conclusion or how you react to the event Most people think that the A things that happen to you determine your (C) behavior. Actually, it is the B part (your brain's interpretation or perception of the event) that largely determines how you respond. You spend a lot of your time, energy and money trying to change A thinking that it will change C. Other people and events (A) cannot make you do anything. It is your brain's interpretation or perception (B) that causes your behavior (C).

You should seek not only to change your outside world by learning different tips and techniques to manipulate and influence, but also (and more importantly) seek to change your inside world or how your brain perceives situations.

Here's a key point: Just as your brain can distort reality, it can also improve it!!

Read the rest of this article by clicking here.

Increasing The Power of Your Influence

You are an influencer - a leader. So let's talk about the neuro-axiology of sales - yes, sales. For those of you in business development, you'll find value in this article. For those of you who believe that you aren't in sales - LISTEN UP! Selling is a part of everyone's life.

The word "sell" comes from the Old English word "sellan" which means "to give". Yes, "give", not take or win. Selling is giving and (whether you are in a sales role or not) giving IS a part of your life.

Win/Win or Win/Not Lose?

Your brain naturally and consistently tries to add value. Every choice you make is a choice that your brain believes adds more value than your unchosen options.

As an influencer, leader, or sales person, your job is to help your client, customer, or follower make the best decision for THEM. You want a true win/win solution - which means the solution adds value to your life AND to theirs. Many times we see folks who try to manipulate the situation (you may even be guilty of this at times). When your mind is self-focused, it only cares to add value to your life. So, win/lose is acceptable, but in the long run does NOT add the most value. So, if you can't get a win/win maybe a win/not lose is acceptable. That means you win and the client or team member doesn't lose (but doesn't win either.) That ISN'T selling, giving, or influencing. That is manipulating, taking and DEVALUING!

We've all seen sporting events where teams decide to play 'not to lose' instead of playing to win. My beloved Steelers call it their 'prevent defense' - which usually prevents them from winning. But I digress... If both or all parties are not winning, then both or all parties will ultimately LOSE.

Many times you have a terrific solution for your client or team member yet they don't see the value. As an influencer, it is your role to help them do that. Understanding how the brain makes value-based decisions is what neuro-axiology is all about. When you understand neuro-axiology, even just a little bit, you'll be a better leader and influencer.

To learn more about the brain and your power to influence, click here.

Optical Delusions

Often, you hear statements that you perceive are unbelievable. You may even respond by saying, "Are you kidding me?!?" Today, I'd like you to focus on a similar question...

"Are you kidding YOU?!?"

Your perception is your reality. But, what if your perception doesn't accurately reflect the current moment? In order to bring intrinsic value to any moment, project, relationship, etc., you need to be aligned with the present reality.

What are optical delusions?

Well, I think you know what an optical illusion is, right? It's something that appears one way, but is actually another. Like the image to the right... it looks like the bottom line is longer than the top, yet if you measure them, they are exactly the same length.

In the picture to the left, how many triangles do you see? Most people will say 2 or 6 or 8. How many are there? ZERO! Your brain, however, has been trained to recognize patterns so it 'helps' you and somehow interprets the notches in the circles and the "V" shapes as triangles.

The word 'optical' refers to sight or vision. The word 'illusion' means something that deceives; a false impression or idea. However, the word 'delusion' refers to a persistent false belief.

You should recognize in the picture to the left that there are no triangles present. Even if you once believed the illusions that there were triangles, you should now be able to take a closer look and see that there are none. If you still held on to your belief, this would indicate a 'delusion'.

To read the rest of this article, click here.

Roles are Holes

Role playing is hard work. Have you ever noticed that?

Take a moment to observe how you interact with other people. You may detect changes in your attitude, behavior, and speech depending on who you are interacting with. When you talk to a child, or when you talk to a server in a restaurant, do you speak differently? How about when you talk to your boss or when you talk to the janitor? When you walk into a store or the post office or the department of motor vehicles you may act differently than when you walk into your home or attend your kid's ballgame.

Why is that? Well, simple... you are playing roles. You are becoming the person you think you should be in that situation. Your mind has developed an idea about how you should behave in the situation. In that case, you are NOT being yourself.

Playing Your Roles

So, you might have just had the thought, "of course I act differently in different situations". You can't act like a teacher when you are a customer in the store. You can't act like you're the owner of the business when you're just an employee. You can't act like a project manager when you're the CEO. You can't act like a child when you're the parent. Of course we act differently in different situations.

Really? Why is that? Think about it. In each of these instances, why can't you just be you? Why do you have to 'act' at all? Where do these expectations come from? (The Good Fairy or the Dark Fairy? - to repeat a phrase we discussed in a previous newsletter.)

Many times you completely forget about your intrinsic nature, your being, because you are so focused on your extrinsic nature. How often do you see yourself as a 'human doing'? You have this image or concept that your mind has created (or accepted) about how you should act in each specific situation in your life.

If you live in America or another free country, you should appreciate the freedom that you have to choose. You no longer live within a "class system". In civilizations where liberty is not a birthright, certain functions are allotted to certain people. You are a 'born' ruler, priest, warrior, farmer, craftsman, laborer, merchant, and so on. In a free country, your function in this world, which would have been a matter of your birth, does not have to be your role.

Your Role Holes

Today social structures are less rigid and less clearly defined. Yet, you still create these roles in your own mind and firmly place yourself into them. What do these roles look like? Your roles can fall into a number of categories:

• Functions: As we've discussed, the role you choose can be based on the functions you fulfill. You can be a parent, a child, a sibling, a leader, a follower, etc.
• Beliefs & Values: The role you choose can be based on your beliefs... your religion, your political affiliations, the causes you support. You may be a Christian, Hindu, Muslim, etc. Or a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent. Or an animal rights activist, MADD member, 'green' supporter.
• Emotional: Happiness and "Just Fine", are roles that you may play. You hide behind a smiling, positive façade, while truly you feel discouraged, frustrated, or disappointed.
• Circumstances: You can find yourself playing the hero or the villain... the lover or the fighter... the victor or the victim.

In all of these instances, you are defining yourself through a role... putting yourself in a hole that limits your 'being'. Your "role hole" is the pit that limits your intrinsic (infinite) nature.

Click here to read more...

Intrinsic Faith vs. Intrinsic Fear

Thanks to those of you who have sent comments and compliments on my last two newsletters. Those fantasy fairies and contemptuous eye rolls seem to be prevalent amongst you. I hope you're staying on the lookout for them.

This month I'd like to talk to you about the properties and characteristics of success. As Og Mandino writes, "Which two, among a thousand wise men, will define success in the same words; yet failure is always described but one way. Failure is man's inability to reach his goals in life, whatever they may be. In truth, the only difference between those who have failed and those who have succeeded lies in the difference of their habits. Good habits are the key to all success. Bad habits are the unlocked door to failure. Thus, the first law I will obey, which preceedeth all others is - I will form good habits and become their slaves."

Yes, "good habits are the key to all success." So, what good habits have you purposefully and consciously acquired lately?

Intrinsic Fears

In my studies of Dr. Robert Hartman's works in axiology, I came across his "twenty properties of the self test" and I want to share these with you. He labeled these qualities 'intrinsic faith" and "intrinsic fear". The qualities of "Intrinsic Faith" positively enrich our lives while those of "Intrinsic Fear" diminish us.

Let's take a look at his intrinsic fears. While we do this, I have purposefully not put them in a list format but rather added them throughout the text so that your brain won't skim through it. I want to encourage you to think about each property or characteristic. Yes, it would've been much easier to simply copy and paste his list, but please take the time to read through these. Consider these questions as you read through this list...

• Are you making excuses for your behaviors that match the intrinsic fears?
• Are your thoughts telling you that you don't 'fear' anything?
• Do one or more of these words stand out as thoughts/behaviors that you have frequently?

1Defiance and Spitefulness top Hartman's list. Do you ever feel 2Aggressive or Defensive? Has anyone ever told you that you are overly 3Competitive? Do you exhibit 4Restrictiveness or Narrowness? How about 5Cynicism which is a distrust of the integrity or intentions of others? Do you ever feel 6Sanctimoniousness or Holier-than-thou? How about 7Greed or 8Vanity? Are you 9Easily Hurt or Touchy at times? Even though you don't like to admit it, do you ever feel 10Cowardice in the face of danger, difficulty, opposition or pain? At times are you 11Vengeful and vindictive or 12Heavy Handed? Hartman also lists 13Complicated / Lack of Common Sense as an intrinsic fear. Do you ever have a sense of 14Irrelevance / No Sense of Proportion? How about 15Irrationality, 16Systemic-ness or Rigidity? Do you ever feel 17Tense or Frantic? Do you act with 18Inconsistency, Hesitation or Impatience? Do you sometimes feel 19Non-aware, Dull or Cold? Do you ever suffer from 20Indifference or that "Whatever (insert eye roll here) attitude"?

It's a Small, Small World

Here is an abridged version of Hartman's description of Intrinsic Fear... {Click here for the rest of the newsletter.}

The Contemptuous Eye Roll

So far this year I have been talking about intrinsic valuation. That is, how we can value others intrinsically by holding them in esteem, admiring them for who they are (not simply for what they do), treasuring and cherishing them as a unique, irreplaceable human beings.

What I'd like to draw your attention to in this issue is how we can recognize when we are doing just the opposite... when we are devaluing others. If you can learn to recognize a key component to this transposition of value, you will be one step closer to being able to bring truly positive value to those around you.

In my coaching practice, the key goal is to basically shorten and eventually eliminate the time between when you recognize you messed up and when you actually messed up. If you, at this Pivotal Moment, can choose a different response, YOU will be able to be on your true path to success. If you don't choose to respond differently and ignore a sabotaging thought, you will greatly hinder your success.

Let's learn about a commonly overlooked (devaluing) expression...

World Famous Face Reader

Have you ever heard of Paul Ekman? Dr. Paul Ekman is a professor of psychology who has become the world's most famous face reader. The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and state and local police forces have turned to Dr. Ekman for help learning to read subtle emotional cues from the faces, voices and body language of potential assassins, terrorists and questionable visa applicants. The detailed knowledge of facial expression has earned Dr. Ekman a supporting role in the movie industry, where he has consulted with animators from Pixar and Industrial Light & Magic to give lifelike expressions to cartoon characters.

Dr. Ekman's expertise is very unique and can be very helpful when understanding when we are de-valuing others. For instance, Dr. Ekman is able to accurately predict whether a couple will divorce in the next 4 years simply by watching (not even hearing) a couple's conversation. He doesn't even need to see the whole conversation... he only needs to see 3-4 minutes to make his prediction. He is right 94% of the time!!

How does he do it?

Dr. Ekman understands that we have micro-expressions that are exposed on our faces that represent how we REALLY feel. These micro-expressions are brief (lasting just a few milliseconds) and contain emotional signals regarding our internal thoughts.

Dr. Ekman studies show that there are many facial expressions that can predict when a relationship will fail but one of the most telling is the contemptuous eye roll!

Paul Ekman discovered this contemptuous facial expression which involves pulling one lip corner to the side and creating a dimple usually accompanied by an eye roll. Just counting how many times somebody did that facial expression when conversing with their partner was an excellent predictor of whether they would get divorced or not.

Let's look at this expression and see if you can recognize this in your life...

We don't talk about contempt much in our society unless, of course, we're talking about courtrooms and lawyers. So, what is contempt? Contempt is a feeling of being better than another person, of being superior, usually morally superior but it can also be felt toward some who is weaker in intelligence, strength, and so forth. Basically, contempt is devaluing another person and overvaluing your self.

During that moment of contempt, your mind is convincing YOU that by devaluing another, you are some how more valuable. That simply is NOT true! Value is not a zero-sum game.

{Click here to read the rest of the article.}

Fantasy Fairies and other mental traps

To keep with my intrinsic value theme this year, I thought I’d take a different approach in this month’s newsletter and discuss one of the major obstacles to focusing on the things in our lives that bring infinite (intrinsic) value. What is this key barrier that keeps us from embracing principles, opportunities, and challenges? What continually sabotages us from engaging in life, connecting with people, creating value, and contributing to our world?

I like to call them “Fantasy Fairies”. These fantasy fairies fly around our minds creating images that draw us from reality to make-believe land.

Sometimes they are pleasant, kind, gentle. You may even view them as positive. These fairies may help you to build images of where you are going to be in 5 years… with increased wealth, happiness, joy, balance and lots of recreation. Oh, how wonderful your life will be ‘when’. The good fantasy fairy helps you to build castles in the sky. She can even help you to move in! She keeps telling you that if you keep imagining the wonderful thoughts that she has for you over and over again, you will soon have those amazingly wonderful things in your life.

You may also have fantasy fairies that flutter around your mind that aren’t so pleasant. These I call Dark Fairies. These fairies create images of doom and gloom. They give you feelings of frustration, discouragement, failure. They create visions of how people are out to get you. They ‘help’ you to ‘understand’ the intentions of others (even when you can’t possibly know these intentions). You know what I’m talking about… when someone writes you a short email or says a few short words to you. Your dark fantasy fairy helps you to believe that it is because they are mad at you or that they don’t like you. In reality, they may just be having a bad day and aren’t really thinking about you at all.

"Hope is for sissies."

Both of these fantasy fairies, the bright one and the night one, keep you from being you. When you live in your mind, you are not living in the world. This reminds me of a great line I heard on House the other night (5/5/08). {Click here to read more.}